I'm noticing more and more how hard it is to function. I don't know if it's because the responsibility is increasing or if it's the fear that is increasing.
My responsibilities are the same. I cook, clean, do laundry and care for the kids. But even in my day to day, I am slipping. The dishes are hardly ever done. The laundry is hardly ever done. I do take care of the kids though.
My rosary work has increased. I find myself putting off working on orders. Procrastination. I know it's wrong. And it doesn't make the customers happy. I have to force myself to look at the order of the day, try not to get overwhelmed.
Emails. I used to love them but now every time I get one, I don't open them for days. I wonder what it will say. Is it another complaint from a customer? Another problem to solve?
The book I'm supposed to write. I love writing but now that I have a book project that suddenly has come out of nowhere, I am at a standstill as to how to write it. Jerry and the illustrator are waiting on me. The illustrator wanted to know when I would be done so she can start her drawing. . I feel sometimes like I can't breathe!
My parish priest has given me the best compliment in the world. He has asked me if I Would consider being a catechist. I said yes, but now I am having trouble committing to the training. All I can think is, what if I can't do it? what if I suck at this? What if I forget things, like meetings or the commitments that come with being a catechist? He asks almost every week if I still want to do this but I am so overwhelmed I can't make a decision. Every time I say yes, they remind me about the hours it will take to be trained and I find myself overwhelmed all over again.
And the usual appointments. Everyone comes to the mom for information. They want to know when they can schedule appointments for assesments for the boys disabilities. Or if I have filled out and mailed those packets yet to see if they can join that summer program. Teachers Appreciation week. Everyone wants gift cards. It is too much.
I know I complain a lot in this blog. This is my "complaining blog" the other one is my "let's pretend everything is great" blog. But in this blog, I pretty much let out my stress, my insecurities, my worries.
I am worried I can't handle it all. I worry that the rosary orders won't stop. I Worry that they will stop and money will not come in. I worry I won't ever get to that book. I worry Jerry will take it over and I won't have a part in it at all.
I worry I will be a terrible catechist. I Worry that I will miss my family, that my little ones will miss me. I know that's silly, it is only a couple hours a week but they are used to me always being nearby and available.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. The dishes pile higher and higher, the laundry is pretty much a mountain. I avoid my work as much as possible. I stay in my room, reading FB and playing silly games on my Kindle.
The other day I was at adoration and I prayed about all of this. It took a half hour to get through all of it. The next half hour, tears ran down my face without my control. I don't know if they were tears of relief or sadness. Maybe they were tears of healing. But they just kept coming, and didn't stop until I left.
