I have found the loneliest place in the world, and it is Facebook. It's funny because everyone is there and yet no one is there. I supposedly have more friends on Facebook than I do in real life but no one cares about me.
Praying again for help to be done with it. To just be ok with my "real life", though my friends are on a much smaller scale.
Praying for help during the idle moments when I want to know what everyone else is up to.
Praying for help when no one realizes that I have even left. That is the hardest part.
Why doesn't anyone care???
Like EVER????
Friday, September 30, 2016
Sunday, September 25, 2016
God's voice in his gifts
I'm having trouble sleeping again. Can't seem to get through a night without waking up constantly either by bad dreams or else just waking up for no reason. But the dark scary thoughts always come back.
I'm trying not to notice or dwell on the scariness of the world...of how evil is not hiding anymore. How it's blatantly showing itself through political leaders, or terrorist attacks just down the street from you, or how there are now "Satanist After School Programs" for kids. I don't dwell on it, but I can't ignore it either. It's always there, mocking me.
So I purposely shove it from my mind during the day but it all comes out at night. And I can't help asking, "Where are you, God? When are you going to stop all of this? And how will it happen? Will we all suffer and die the day you remind people that you are still God??"
This morning I went outside to take the dog for a walk, and just for an hour, the sky was blue and beautiful. It has been overcast and rainy for almost two weeks now, but for this short time, it was perfect.
I felt like God was speaking to me through the beauty of the day. Like he had made this morning just for me. It is possible, that God could do that for someone, isn't it? Even if you aren't perfect or holy or maybe even that good of a person. But today, this is how I felt--like God wanted me to take notice of the day, and He was saying:
I'm trying not to notice or dwell on the scariness of the world...of how evil is not hiding anymore. How it's blatantly showing itself through political leaders, or terrorist attacks just down the street from you, or how there are now "Satanist After School Programs" for kids. I don't dwell on it, but I can't ignore it either. It's always there, mocking me.
So I purposely shove it from my mind during the day but it all comes out at night. And I can't help asking, "Where are you, God? When are you going to stop all of this? And how will it happen? Will we all suffer and die the day you remind people that you are still God??"
This morning I went outside to take the dog for a walk, and just for an hour, the sky was blue and beautiful. It has been overcast and rainy for almost two weeks now, but for this short time, it was perfect.
I felt like God was speaking to me through the beauty of the day. Like he had made this morning just for me. It is possible, that God could do that for someone, isn't it? Even if you aren't perfect or holy or maybe even that good of a person. But today, this is how I felt--like God wanted me to take notice of the day, and He was saying:
"Look what I have made for you today! I know you had a rough night's sleep, and You asked me where I was, if I even care...."
"This is my gift for you today, just for a short time, for more clouds are coming. But for now, this moment, enjoy the beauty of the day. Look how blue the sky is. Feel the soft breeze in the air--I know how much you enjoy wind."
"I am in nature, I am everywhere. But you have to listen for me, look for me in these gifts. No evil can take it over.
I can still make blue skies for you, make the wind caress your face, turn the leaves bright colors against the drabness of world. You just have to look for me."
The clouds did come, just an hour later. But for that short hour, I took advantage of the sunshine and beauty. It was the perfect day for just an hour. And for that short time, the world felt perfect too.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
The amazing thing about love
I've had so many disappointments, so many betrayals. So many reasons to give up on people. Why love them when they don't love back?
I look to the saints and I have to ask the same question: they suffered more than I have, been disappointed more than I have, been betrayed by others more than I have. And yet they were so happy.
How can they be happy when it's suffering that makes them holy?? It just doesn't make sense.
Blessed Chiara was nicknamed Chiara "Luce" because of the inner light she always seemed to have within her.
(Just a side-note: "Chiara" means "much" or "a lot" in Italian, and "Luce" means light. Together her name means "Much Light".)
She suffered a lot. She died when she was only 18 from bone cancer. She had dreams and plans and she knew she wasn't going to get better. There was an inner struggle at times but early on Chiara decided to let God take control. "I want what You want" was her daily motto.
One day, a Bishop who came to visit her, asked, "Your eyes are amazing! What is it that makes them light up so?"
Her simple response was, "I try to love a lot."
This past week, I have contemplated those words. I think about them a lot. They have gotten me through those rough times when I want to give up and head down the road of self-pity and stay there.
I wonder what it is about self-pity; why we are so attracted to it. And I know: it is because it's a place where it's ok to be angry because there is a lot of self-justification. It's the place where we are right and everyone else is wrong. And we aren't required to forgive, because people don't deserve our forgiveness. There is no work involved in self-pity, it's all coasting. And it feels pretty darn good.
But there is no peace there. My hurt just kept going round and round in my head. All the memories of past hurts also start to haunt me, all the people who have let me down somehow. It's amazing how the devil will round all that stuff up for you, he is so efficient.
There is no rest or healing in self-pity and the biggest reason is that there is no love there. How can there be, when all you do is push others away for fear or anger or justification?
And so Blessed Chiara's words make a lot of sense to me, as do St.Mother Theresa, The Little Flower and anyone else who is a saint.
Because there is no such thing of a saint who hasn't suffered to the extent of some sort of spiritual martyrdom. Yet how did they get through it, how did they have love and joy?
It's something to ponder. Something to munch on.
Not something we can figure out in one day, but rather, a lifetime.
It's the mystery of God's love for us. And the love we must use for one another. Despite the fact that they have hurt us, haven't loved us, haven't said they were sorry or forgiven us in return.
And somehow, we will find joy in loving them anyway.
I'm not saying I've got it all figured out. I'm just saying it's amazing to think about.
I look to the saints and I have to ask the same question: they suffered more than I have, been disappointed more than I have, been betrayed by others more than I have. And yet they were so happy.
How can they be happy when it's suffering that makes them holy?? It just doesn't make sense.
Blessed Chiara was nicknamed Chiara "Luce" because of the inner light she always seemed to have within her.
(Just a side-note: "Chiara" means "much" or "a lot" in Italian, and "Luce" means light. Together her name means "Much Light".)
She suffered a lot. She died when she was only 18 from bone cancer. She had dreams and plans and she knew she wasn't going to get better. There was an inner struggle at times but early on Chiara decided to let God take control. "I want what You want" was her daily motto.
One day, a Bishop who came to visit her, asked, "Your eyes are amazing! What is it that makes them light up so?"
Her simple response was, "I try to love a lot."
This past week, I have contemplated those words. I think about them a lot. They have gotten me through those rough times when I want to give up and head down the road of self-pity and stay there.
I wonder what it is about self-pity; why we are so attracted to it. And I know: it is because it's a place where it's ok to be angry because there is a lot of self-justification. It's the place where we are right and everyone else is wrong. And we aren't required to forgive, because people don't deserve our forgiveness. There is no work involved in self-pity, it's all coasting. And it feels pretty darn good.
But there is no peace there. My hurt just kept going round and round in my head. All the memories of past hurts also start to haunt me, all the people who have let me down somehow. It's amazing how the devil will round all that stuff up for you, he is so efficient.
There is no rest or healing in self-pity and the biggest reason is that there is no love there. How can there be, when all you do is push others away for fear or anger or justification?
And so Blessed Chiara's words make a lot of sense to me, as do St.Mother Theresa, The Little Flower and anyone else who is a saint.
Because there is no such thing of a saint who hasn't suffered to the extent of some sort of spiritual martyrdom. Yet how did they get through it, how did they have love and joy?
It's something to ponder. Something to munch on.
Not something we can figure out in one day, but rather, a lifetime.
It's the mystery of God's love for us. And the love we must use for one another. Despite the fact that they have hurt us, haven't loved us, haven't said they were sorry or forgiven us in return.
And somehow, we will find joy in loving them anyway.
I'm not saying I've got it all figured out. I'm just saying it's amazing to think about.
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