The hardest part of asking for help is admitting that you need help. To let yourself be known as weak or incompetent and or whatever it may be. To allow yourself to be up for judgment as someone assesses whether or not you should be helped.
It's so hard to ask for help. It's so humbling.
But sometimes you are forced to go to creatures for help when God sends you that way.
The good thing about asking for help is that you're allowing someone to be in the position to help you and that's good for them. In some ways, you're doing them a favor. At least, this is what I tell myself.
But maybe I'm just saying that to console myself that it's not such a bad thing...
...to ask for help.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Freedom
Last Thursday, I received a startling revelation about myself while visiting the Blessed Sacrament; a revelation that I hope is the start to a new life.
No more self-pity or morose thoughts; instead, I will focus on the blessings God has given me and ignore the lies of Satan.
To be sure, there have been hard and lonely times, but rather than focus on the source of sadness, I will put my focus on the Source of where my blessings flow.
Today is Election Day and we will get a new President that no one wants. People will undoubtedly complain but today I will stay as far away as I can from those people and instead say thank you to God. Thank You, for life. Thank You for freedom. Thank You, for America. Thank You, for getting us this far.
Now, help us get the rest of the way. Give us the courage we're going to need for the days ahead. Give us fortitude and strength. Give us Hope. Increase our faith not in our country, but in You.
Then we will gain our peace back.
No more self-pity or morose thoughts; instead, I will focus on the blessings God has given me and ignore the lies of Satan.
To be sure, there have been hard and lonely times, but rather than focus on the source of sadness, I will put my focus on the Source of where my blessings flow.
Today is Election Day and we will get a new President that no one wants. People will undoubtedly complain but today I will stay as far away as I can from those people and instead say thank you to God. Thank You, for life. Thank You for freedom. Thank You, for America. Thank You, for getting us this far.
Now, help us get the rest of the way. Give us the courage we're going to need for the days ahead. Give us fortitude and strength. Give us Hope. Increase our faith not in our country, but in You.
Then we will gain our peace back.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
What is "good"?
Today I had well meaning friend tell me that I shouldn't be so busy...that I should be making more time for prayer...
I have not been able to go to the prayer group which I had originally started, because no one wanted to come on Sundays. Too much work, is basically what I heard.
So it was moved to Fridays by someone else. It is a better place to meet--right in the church in front of the Blessed Sacrament. And yet, I can't go most of the time. Because it is during the week, and every single day is filled during the week. That's why I wanted Sundays. It's already a day of prayer, a day meant to be set aside for rest and relaxation. You aren't supposed to be working on Sundays.
I had mentioned this fact to someone who told me then said that we should pray more....we shouldn't be so busy. The Blessed Mother (per Medugorje message) has said so.
I don't disagree. Perhaps it struck a nerve because every day, I go to bed thinking to myself, "I need to make more time for prayer." I do try. It is difficult and I need to work on it, but I try. Some days more than others, but I do try.
Anyway, what is a "good" person? This is the thought that came to myself today. When we secretly admonish others whether it be through our thoughts or in our words? When we allow our own judgments of what "being good" means interferes into someone else's life?
We all have our own ideas of what being good means to us. For myself, it means not being judgmental, for working on yourself more than working on others. Making time for God but more than anything, loving Him as much as you can with the time that you have in your day.
Let's face it. This world is overrun by expectations and deadlines. People expect so much from one another. If it's not from the workplace, it is from the home. Look at Pintrest and the desire to be neat and pretty all the time. To be organized. Look at each other--the people who put on a happy face with their happy family and their neat and tidy house. Look at the people going to church; those who praye and look respectfully somber. Is that good?
I don't know. I find there is good in all those things. But I don't think that's what makes a person "good."
That's why I find the answer to what "good" means in this quote from the Bible: "Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good--except God alone." Mark 10:18
I read that quote and a weight is lifted. Because, although I would like to organized, I am not. (By "organized, I don't mean alphabetizing your spice rack or color coordinating your clothes. I am talking about getting simple jobs around the house, knowing what to do with access clutter instead of piling up on the couch or kitchen counters..) And my house is rarely neat and tidy. If I am going to be truly honest, it is not because I have five kids. It's because I hate cleaning.
And I do pray. I pray in little moments of the day. I pray in moments when I feel myself losing strength to be patient--or pray when I realized that I have already lost strength and yelled at someone.
We are a happy family--most of the itme. But we bicker and fight. My kids don't know as much as they should of their Catechism, but we are learning, if only slowly. Me and Dennis are not good at being calm and we need to be so our kids will learn to be calm. We are working on it but it's a work in progress. In the meantime, my kids are spazzes and dramatic--just like me.
So what is good? I don't believe too many in this world are truly "good." Those who have achieved such goodness are living saints--and they are good only because they have surrendered all their attachments that hold them back and let God make them good.
In the meantime, we have no right to judge one another. No right to look down on our noses at one another when someone does one thing and we do it another way. Or when we do something "good" (daily Mass for instance) but the other maybe hasn't gotten to that place in their life when they are able to achieve that good.
Life is not a contest. We all will be judged on our vanity. And funny enough, God will point out much of our vanity was not about possessions as much as it was in our judgment of what we consider to be "good."
I have not been able to go to the prayer group which I had originally started, because no one wanted to come on Sundays. Too much work, is basically what I heard.
So it was moved to Fridays by someone else. It is a better place to meet--right in the church in front of the Blessed Sacrament. And yet, I can't go most of the time. Because it is during the week, and every single day is filled during the week. That's why I wanted Sundays. It's already a day of prayer, a day meant to be set aside for rest and relaxation. You aren't supposed to be working on Sundays.
I had mentioned this fact to someone who told me then said that we should pray more....we shouldn't be so busy. The Blessed Mother (per Medugorje message) has said so.
I don't disagree. Perhaps it struck a nerve because every day, I go to bed thinking to myself, "I need to make more time for prayer." I do try. It is difficult and I need to work on it, but I try. Some days more than others, but I do try.
Anyway, what is a "good" person? This is the thought that came to myself today. When we secretly admonish others whether it be through our thoughts or in our words? When we allow our own judgments of what "being good" means interferes into someone else's life?
We all have our own ideas of what being good means to us. For myself, it means not being judgmental, for working on yourself more than working on others. Making time for God but more than anything, loving Him as much as you can with the time that you have in your day.
Let's face it. This world is overrun by expectations and deadlines. People expect so much from one another. If it's not from the workplace, it is from the home. Look at Pintrest and the desire to be neat and pretty all the time. To be organized. Look at each other--the people who put on a happy face with their happy family and their neat and tidy house. Look at the people going to church; those who praye and look respectfully somber. Is that good?
I don't know. I find there is good in all those things. But I don't think that's what makes a person "good."
That's why I find the answer to what "good" means in this quote from the Bible: "Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good--except God alone." Mark 10:18
I read that quote and a weight is lifted. Because, although I would like to organized, I am not. (By "organized, I don't mean alphabetizing your spice rack or color coordinating your clothes. I am talking about getting simple jobs around the house, knowing what to do with access clutter instead of piling up on the couch or kitchen counters..) And my house is rarely neat and tidy. If I am going to be truly honest, it is not because I have five kids. It's because I hate cleaning.
And I do pray. I pray in little moments of the day. I pray in moments when I feel myself losing strength to be patient--or pray when I realized that I have already lost strength and yelled at someone.
We are a happy family--most of the itme. But we bicker and fight. My kids don't know as much as they should of their Catechism, but we are learning, if only slowly. Me and Dennis are not good at being calm and we need to be so our kids will learn to be calm. We are working on it but it's a work in progress. In the meantime, my kids are spazzes and dramatic--just like me.
So what is good? I don't believe too many in this world are truly "good." Those who have achieved such goodness are living saints--and they are good only because they have surrendered all their attachments that hold them back and let God make them good.
In the meantime, we have no right to judge one another. No right to look down on our noses at one another when someone does one thing and we do it another way. Or when we do something "good" (daily Mass for instance) but the other maybe hasn't gotten to that place in their life when they are able to achieve that good.
Life is not a contest. We all will be judged on our vanity. And funny enough, God will point out much of our vanity was not about possessions as much as it was in our judgment of what we consider to be "good."
Sunday, October 16, 2016
The clean white shirt
And then there was the white shirt incident today and I reverted back to my old ways. It might have started with the thought of how nice and white I managed to keep Max's school shirt for so long. I felt happy and proud that we made a whole two weeks and it was still gleaming white. He was wearing it for church today and usually I have him change into something else later on, but today, I thought to myself that I would trust that he would keep it clean.
Then he came in from outside with it streaked with dirt and mud--the whole thing. I tried my quiet voice first: "What happened??" Max began to deny that he got his shirt dirty or was rolling around on the ground, and the more he denied it, the angrier I got. Finally, I threw caution to the wind and yelled about all the dirt, the leaves, and why was he denying it when he so obviously was rolling on the ground?? Why would he do that??
I threw the shirt in the wash machine and stomped upstairs, slamming the door. I was so angry that the shirt was ruined. It was not gleaming white anymore. So angry.
I finally began to pray for help, and eventually, I calmed down. But why was I so upset over a white shirt? I lose my temper quite often, my voice becoming screechy and my words cutting. It is not how I want to be for my kids, not the example I want to show. I am all too aware of the way they speak to each other is because it's how I speak to them. If only I didn't lose my temper so quickly, lose my patience so fast.
So I had to ask myself the question: Why was it so important to me that shirt stay clean?
At first the obvious answers came:
Because we don't want the kids to look messy, do we?
Because it is the school policy.
Because they should know by now that we don't roll around dirt in our school uniform!
But then the answers became more honest:
Because we only have two white shirts and one of them is already as clean as I can get them.
Because we can't afford to get any more (at this time) and everyone will figure out that we are "poor."
Because everyone will see that I'm not good at laundry.
Because everyone will think I'm not good at housekeeping.
I know that some of these reasons are based on pride, they all need some work. But it's all true. There is something good and refreshing in honesty.
I am still angry about the white shirt. It's in the wash machine right now, and I'm hoping the dirt streaks will come out completely. I am still embarrassed that half the time, my kids go to school with holes in their pants (in the knees) and I can't keep up with buying them new pants all the time, so they go to school looking messy. I still care what others think.
But it's good to know there are reasons that go deeper than wanting a clean white shirt to stay clean. Good to know that there are reasons behind the anger (usually insecurity.) Don't feel much better about myself but a lot more human.
And there is something very humbling about being human and knowing it.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
A week or so later...
Well, I had said that I was going to stay off of Facebook for at least a week and it's now over a week. I don't miss it a bit. Well, maybe a tiny bit. But not like before.
The sadness, the hurt, the loneliness is gone. I don't know if these feelings came from Facebook alone, but I think the fact that "no one was there" when "everyone was there" brought these negative feelings to the surface.
The first few days or so were pretty tough. It was almost like a cleansing, or even a detox of getting rid of something that I depended so highly on. But even going through the pain of detachment, I knew that something inside of me was starting to heal.
I know I can't blame Facebook alone for my insecurities--and I can't blame people either. True, "people" tend to be self-centered and focused on their own life, they tend to choose themselves before they think of others. It's true of myself as well. But never would I want to become so bitter that I would blame everyone for my feelings. I know that the biggest reason for feeling as I did was my dependency on others to build me up, lift me up, hear me out, console me. It's not realistic or healthy. It's not balanced.
Once the sadness and loneliness began to lift up, I began to feel so much better about myself. I felt stronger, more secure. I don't need people to help me feel good about myself. My life feels like my own again--not something I have to share so intimately and put my trust in others that they will be as astounded by my life as I am--and disappointed that they're not.
Even in this short week, my faith in God has been strengthened, as He is the only one left--has always been the Only One. It's sad how we clutter up our lives so much that we can no longer see Him.
My focus has changed a bit too. I want a clean house. Not for self-gratification (I personally hate cleaning), but I've found how much better I do in a clean house. Things are more organized; things go more smoothly. Dennis too, is in a better mood in a clean house. He hates disorder. But it's a work in progress. It takes a lot of self-discipline ("I will take a break after I get the dishes done" and "I'll finish this job before I do that one.") and commitment from myself. I'm so easily distracted while I'm working that one job gets started but never finished which also wastes a lot of time and energy.
Every time I find myself bored, wanting to surf the Internet or go on Facebook (I have a few times, I Am pleased to say that I am bored with it. And I never posted anything.) I study instead. I have sored in my studies--almost done with my second phase already! I will be training before I know it!
So life without Facebook is going well. It is easier. More orderly. Simpler. Less drama, less stress. And even though my social circle has gotten considerably smaller, somehow, I'm not lonely at all.
The sadness, the hurt, the loneliness is gone. I don't know if these feelings came from Facebook alone, but I think the fact that "no one was there" when "everyone was there" brought these negative feelings to the surface.
The first few days or so were pretty tough. It was almost like a cleansing, or even a detox of getting rid of something that I depended so highly on. But even going through the pain of detachment, I knew that something inside of me was starting to heal.
I know I can't blame Facebook alone for my insecurities--and I can't blame people either. True, "people" tend to be self-centered and focused on their own life, they tend to choose themselves before they think of others. It's true of myself as well. But never would I want to become so bitter that I would blame everyone for my feelings. I know that the biggest reason for feeling as I did was my dependency on others to build me up, lift me up, hear me out, console me. It's not realistic or healthy. It's not balanced.
Once the sadness and loneliness began to lift up, I began to feel so much better about myself. I felt stronger, more secure. I don't need people to help me feel good about myself. My life feels like my own again--not something I have to share so intimately and put my trust in others that they will be as astounded by my life as I am--and disappointed that they're not.
Even in this short week, my faith in God has been strengthened, as He is the only one left--has always been the Only One. It's sad how we clutter up our lives so much that we can no longer see Him.
My focus has changed a bit too. I want a clean house. Not for self-gratification (I personally hate cleaning), but I've found how much better I do in a clean house. Things are more organized; things go more smoothly. Dennis too, is in a better mood in a clean house. He hates disorder. But it's a work in progress. It takes a lot of self-discipline ("I will take a break after I get the dishes done" and "I'll finish this job before I do that one.") and commitment from myself. I'm so easily distracted while I'm working that one job gets started but never finished which also wastes a lot of time and energy.
Every time I find myself bored, wanting to surf the Internet or go on Facebook (I have a few times, I Am pleased to say that I am bored with it. And I never posted anything.) I study instead. I have sored in my studies--almost done with my second phase already! I will be training before I know it!
So life without Facebook is going well. It is easier. More orderly. Simpler. Less drama, less stress. And even though my social circle has gotten considerably smaller, somehow, I'm not lonely at all.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
God cares!
Yesterday Henry hurt his finger and we couldn't tell if it was jammed or broken. (We never did find out but I am pretty sure it is fractured as it is for sure not broken but probably not jammed either. Based on how he injured it (he whacked it knuckle down against the railing really hard) it sounds like he fractured it.) I wanted to bring him into the Urgent Care because it was causing him a lot of pain but Dennis wanted to wait a little and see what happened. (Hard for a mom to do!)
So I agreed to wait but in the meantime, I thought I should see if anyone could come babysit in case I did have to bring him into Urgent Care in the morning. So I called my mom and explained what happened and she said, "Can you talk to my friend about this? She's a pediatrician!"
What are the odds of something like that happening? Only God could have planned that out.
She saved us a trip to the Urgent Care and told me to body tape Henry's two fingers together for now because that's pretty much all they would do for him, even if it was a fracture. So the next morning, we headed out to the pharmacy to pick up body tape and I taped his fingers together which Henry proudly showed off.
He is already doing so much better; I'm glad that we didn't bring him in more for Dennis's sake than anyone's. He just paid a very big bill of $1,100 for his brake lines in his truck and I know the thought of medical bills and X-rays was stressing him out. I must admit that I didn't think to pray about my situation and didn't really think too much about the money aspect. As a mom, my only concerns were for Henry and his comfort.
But see how God intervenes, even when we don't ask Him too. He was aware of the situation and cared both for Henry and for Dennis (and all of us.) He provided the best solution by prompting me to call my mom at the same moment she just happened to have a pediatrician in the car. And even though I was suffering more from "Nervous Mom Jitters" more than Henry was from his finger (he was sleeping when I called), I took the doctors advice and it seems she has saved us hundreds, if not thousands of dollars for an Urgent Care visit and an X-ray.
God is good, and He cares.
So I agreed to wait but in the meantime, I thought I should see if anyone could come babysit in case I did have to bring him into Urgent Care in the morning. So I called my mom and explained what happened and she said, "Can you talk to my friend about this? She's a pediatrician!"
What are the odds of something like that happening? Only God could have planned that out.
She saved us a trip to the Urgent Care and told me to body tape Henry's two fingers together for now because that's pretty much all they would do for him, even if it was a fracture. So the next morning, we headed out to the pharmacy to pick up body tape and I taped his fingers together which Henry proudly showed off.
He is already doing so much better; I'm glad that we didn't bring him in more for Dennis's sake than anyone's. He just paid a very big bill of $1,100 for his brake lines in his truck and I know the thought of medical bills and X-rays was stressing him out. I must admit that I didn't think to pray about my situation and didn't really think too much about the money aspect. As a mom, my only concerns were for Henry and his comfort.
But see how God intervenes, even when we don't ask Him too. He was aware of the situation and cared both for Henry and for Dennis (and all of us.) He provided the best solution by prompting me to call my mom at the same moment she just happened to have a pediatrician in the car. And even though I was suffering more from "Nervous Mom Jitters" more than Henry was from his finger (he was sleeping when I called), I took the doctors advice and it seems she has saved us hundreds, if not thousands of dollars for an Urgent Care visit and an X-ray.
God is good, and He cares.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Give up all and follow Him: Day 6
Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." Matthew 19:21
A message for me early this morning as the struggle has already started. A reminder that this goes much deeper than Facebook. My "possessions" being my pride, my status, my reputation. Friendships, comforts and consolations from others. A desire to be heard, to be esteemed. A desire for importance in the eyes of others.
This is what I Strive to give up and why it hurts so much. It is a complete stripping of self.
I'm reminded that this is what I wanted in the first place, to be a true follower of Jesus. But I had forgotten that one must give up all to follow Him. I also didn't realize I carried so much with me.
A message for me early this morning as the struggle has already started. A reminder that this goes much deeper than Facebook. My "possessions" being my pride, my status, my reputation. Friendships, comforts and consolations from others. A desire to be heard, to be esteemed. A desire for importance in the eyes of others.
This is what I Strive to give up and why it hurts so much. It is a complete stripping of self.
I'm reminded that this is what I wanted in the first place, to be a true follower of Jesus. But I had forgotten that one must give up all to follow Him. I also didn't realize I carried so much with me.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Day 5
A better day today.
Last night--not so much. I sort of hit my limit and messaged a friend on Facebook (I activated my account only for this message and then got off right away) an angry message. I didn't intend for it to be angry. I only wanted to let her know that I was done with Facebook for a while and since that was the only way she kept in touch with me, that I wouldn't be around anymore.
Then the anger came and the next thing I know, I'm typing out angry words that we could have been friends, I had tried to reach out to her, but she wasn't interested in a friendship. Now I am embarrassed.
But there is truth to my words too. That is the hardest part--it is all true. It's not made up, it's not exaggerated, it's not imagined. Every person on Facebook barely acknowledges me both on Facebook and in real life.. No reaching out, no response to me when I try to reach out...it is always silence and I have no idea why.
So the anger got the best of me last night. It was somewhat of a relief to let someone know how bad I'm hurting but I am not letting myself see if she responded. If I know her (and I do--or at least used to), she won't take kindly to my anger and will only lash out back. She most likely will wonder where it all came from.
That was yesterday, but today I decided I must choose God all or nothing in this. Bitterness is a battle I can't fight on my own. There is no one to cheer me on through it, no one that would understand it. It's just me and God in this.
I prayed the rosary and had a real "heart to heart" with Mary, my Mother. I went to her as her child that is angry, belligerent, "acting out". The one that is put in "time out" because she is so out of sorts. The one who is a brat. That was me this morning asking her to help me anyway, despite what I am.
What would I do without God's mercy? It's in these moments when I see how much He loves me. He overlooks angry words and sees what is at the heart of it. He puts out his hands to bring forth healing if you stay around long enough for it.
I need help with my anger, my bitterness, my loneliness and hurt. Even though this has been so hard lately, I Feel like God is bringing me through something difficult and impossible, to make me stronger and hopefully, holy.
I hope there will be a day when I can love freely without counting all the hurts.
Last night--not so much. I sort of hit my limit and messaged a friend on Facebook (I activated my account only for this message and then got off right away) an angry message. I didn't intend for it to be angry. I only wanted to let her know that I was done with Facebook for a while and since that was the only way she kept in touch with me, that I wouldn't be around anymore.
Then the anger came and the next thing I know, I'm typing out angry words that we could have been friends, I had tried to reach out to her, but she wasn't interested in a friendship. Now I am embarrassed.
But there is truth to my words too. That is the hardest part--it is all true. It's not made up, it's not exaggerated, it's not imagined. Every person on Facebook barely acknowledges me both on Facebook and in real life.. No reaching out, no response to me when I try to reach out...it is always silence and I have no idea why.
So the anger got the best of me last night. It was somewhat of a relief to let someone know how bad I'm hurting but I am not letting myself see if she responded. If I know her (and I do--or at least used to), she won't take kindly to my anger and will only lash out back. She most likely will wonder where it all came from.
That was yesterday, but today I decided I must choose God all or nothing in this. Bitterness is a battle I can't fight on my own. There is no one to cheer me on through it, no one that would understand it. It's just me and God in this.
I prayed the rosary and had a real "heart to heart" with Mary, my Mother. I went to her as her child that is angry, belligerent, "acting out". The one that is put in "time out" because she is so out of sorts. The one who is a brat. That was me this morning asking her to help me anyway, despite what I am.
What would I do without God's mercy? It's in these moments when I see how much He loves me. He overlooks angry words and sees what is at the heart of it. He puts out his hands to bring forth healing if you stay around long enough for it.
I need help with my anger, my bitterness, my loneliness and hurt. Even though this has been so hard lately, I Feel like God is bringing me through something difficult and impossible, to make me stronger and hopefully, holy.
I hope there will be a day when I can love freely without counting all the hurts.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Day 4
I won't lie, loneliness is setting in again. Sometimes the temptation to try to "connect" is great. But a reminder that no one is there, no one cares, usually talks me out of it.
Oh I hate sounding so pathetic. I hate sounding so weak. What forty-something woman talks like this?? ?It's like a part of me is still stuck in junior high.
But today I realized something. Dennis was in a bad mood today and it really bothered me. He was pretty cranky and took it out on me and the kids. Nothing horrible. I'm just not used to seeing him like that.
It was hard for me to be ok with that. I'm not used to Dennis being the moody one. For those short hours, it felt like he didn't like me. And it really hurt.
That's when it hit me how much I rely on others to feel good about myself. It's no wonder I fall into depression so often and easily. I build my house on sand, on people who are not much more secure than I am--who are hurting too.
That's another reason why I have to stay off of Facebook. (And possibly the most important reason of all.) It literally is all about attention-seeking for me. It's unhealthy and imbalanced. No wonder I have felt so unfulfilled.
And so that's how Day 4 went today. Sort of a hard and lonely day, but understanding myself a little bit better.
Oh I hate sounding so pathetic. I hate sounding so weak. What forty-something woman talks like this?? ?It's like a part of me is still stuck in junior high.
But today I realized something. Dennis was in a bad mood today and it really bothered me. He was pretty cranky and took it out on me and the kids. Nothing horrible. I'm just not used to seeing him like that.
It was hard for me to be ok with that. I'm not used to Dennis being the moody one. For those short hours, it felt like he didn't like me. And it really hurt.
That's when it hit me how much I rely on others to feel good about myself. It's no wonder I fall into depression so often and easily. I build my house on sand, on people who are not much more secure than I am--who are hurting too.
That's another reason why I have to stay off of Facebook. (And possibly the most important reason of all.) It literally is all about attention-seeking for me. It's unhealthy and imbalanced. No wonder I have felt so unfulfilled.
And so that's how Day 4 went today. Sort of a hard and lonely day, but understanding myself a little bit better.
Monday, October 3, 2016
Day 3
I went on Facebook briefly today to let people know that I would be deactivating my account. I began to think of people that might look me up and not find me because my account was deactivated and therefore think I unfriended them. Well, I didn't want any misunderstandings like that, so I wanted everyone to know that I was deactivating for a while. I came to check on my post hours later and not one person acknowledged my post.
It hurt a little but I reminded myself this is why I'm not using Facebook anymore. Knowing that no one really seemed to notice my post or care (not sure which, maybe both) made it much easier to sign off and leave a place where only hurt seems to happen.
It hurt a little but I reminded myself this is why I'm not using Facebook anymore. Knowing that no one really seemed to notice my post or care (not sure which, maybe both) made it much easier to sign off and leave a place where only hurt seems to happen.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Day 2...
Day 2 of no Facebook and guess what, I am surviving. Isn't this the way we're supposed to live--without being connected to a computer?
I have to admit that it's difficult to know what to do with the "extra" time. I also find it amusing that we tend to complain that we have no time for prayer and yet don't know what to do with ourselves when we're off of Facebook!
I admit that I miss "checking in" to see what's going on with everyone else. Missing not uploading pictures and bringing in my thoughts or opinions...that no one really paid attention to anyway. I have that "pull" to want to get back on Facebook even though there is no reward in it.
But every time I have the temptation to log on, I try to remember how I've been feeling these past two days...happier. More at peace.
And oddly enough, not as lonely. Peace with myself, that I'm not inwardly wrestling with hurt or anger that I seem to go unnoticed or ignored.
God doesn't want me hunting for love on Facebook. He wants me to go back to the beginning, where everything I knew started only with Him.
I have to admit that it's difficult to know what to do with the "extra" time. I also find it amusing that we tend to complain that we have no time for prayer and yet don't know what to do with ourselves when we're off of Facebook!
I admit that I miss "checking in" to see what's going on with everyone else. Missing not uploading pictures and bringing in my thoughts or opinions...that no one really paid attention to anyway. I have that "pull" to want to get back on Facebook even though there is no reward in it.
But every time I have the temptation to log on, I try to remember how I've been feeling these past two days...happier. More at peace.
And oddly enough, not as lonely. Peace with myself, that I'm not inwardly wrestling with hurt or anger that I seem to go unnoticed or ignored.
God doesn't want me hunting for love on Facebook. He wants me to go back to the beginning, where everything I knew started only with Him.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Day 1 of no Facebook
I decided I'm going to try to stay off of Facebook for at least a week to see how I feel.
Today is Day 1 and not hard at all. I think it might be harder as time goes by. But I'm focusing on what I'm feeling right now and why do I feel this way. Why is it that I feel better today, not so sad?
I know that Facebook was feeding my weaknesses and insecurities, making me feel the "need" to stay connected for fear of being totally forgotten.
But for today I feel good not worrying about it. I know tomorrow will be harder.
Last night I prayed that I won't depend on people anymore. I will have to pray this way every day, because it's a terrible habit of mine.
Before Facebook, we were all pretty happy with the way things were. Probably even more than we are now. I don't know if it's possible to go back in time and try to make things the way it used to be, but I'm going to try.
Today is Day 1 and not hard at all. I think it might be harder as time goes by. But I'm focusing on what I'm feeling right now and why do I feel this way. Why is it that I feel better today, not so sad?
I know that Facebook was feeding my weaknesses and insecurities, making me feel the "need" to stay connected for fear of being totally forgotten.
But for today I feel good not worrying about it. I know tomorrow will be harder.
Last night I prayed that I won't depend on people anymore. I will have to pray this way every day, because it's a terrible habit of mine.
Before Facebook, we were all pretty happy with the way things were. Probably even more than we are now. I don't know if it's possible to go back in time and try to make things the way it used to be, but I'm going to try.
Friday, September 30, 2016
The Loneliest Place in the world
I have found the loneliest place in the world, and it is Facebook. It's funny because everyone is there and yet no one is there. I supposedly have more friends on Facebook than I do in real life but no one cares about me.
Praying again for help to be done with it. To just be ok with my "real life", though my friends are on a much smaller scale.
Praying for help during the idle moments when I want to know what everyone else is up to.
Praying for help when no one realizes that I have even left. That is the hardest part.
Why doesn't anyone care???
Like EVER????
Praying again for help to be done with it. To just be ok with my "real life", though my friends are on a much smaller scale.
Praying for help during the idle moments when I want to know what everyone else is up to.
Praying for help when no one realizes that I have even left. That is the hardest part.
Why doesn't anyone care???
Like EVER????
Sunday, September 25, 2016
God's voice in his gifts
I'm having trouble sleeping again. Can't seem to get through a night without waking up constantly either by bad dreams or else just waking up for no reason. But the dark scary thoughts always come back.
I'm trying not to notice or dwell on the scariness of the world...of how evil is not hiding anymore. How it's blatantly showing itself through political leaders, or terrorist attacks just down the street from you, or how there are now "Satanist After School Programs" for kids. I don't dwell on it, but I can't ignore it either. It's always there, mocking me.
So I purposely shove it from my mind during the day but it all comes out at night. And I can't help asking, "Where are you, God? When are you going to stop all of this? And how will it happen? Will we all suffer and die the day you remind people that you are still God??"
This morning I went outside to take the dog for a walk, and just for an hour, the sky was blue and beautiful. It has been overcast and rainy for almost two weeks now, but for this short time, it was perfect.
I felt like God was speaking to me through the beauty of the day. Like he had made this morning just for me. It is possible, that God could do that for someone, isn't it? Even if you aren't perfect or holy or maybe even that good of a person. But today, this is how I felt--like God wanted me to take notice of the day, and He was saying:
I'm trying not to notice or dwell on the scariness of the world...of how evil is not hiding anymore. How it's blatantly showing itself through political leaders, or terrorist attacks just down the street from you, or how there are now "Satanist After School Programs" for kids. I don't dwell on it, but I can't ignore it either. It's always there, mocking me.
So I purposely shove it from my mind during the day but it all comes out at night. And I can't help asking, "Where are you, God? When are you going to stop all of this? And how will it happen? Will we all suffer and die the day you remind people that you are still God??"
This morning I went outside to take the dog for a walk, and just for an hour, the sky was blue and beautiful. It has been overcast and rainy for almost two weeks now, but for this short time, it was perfect.
I felt like God was speaking to me through the beauty of the day. Like he had made this morning just for me. It is possible, that God could do that for someone, isn't it? Even if you aren't perfect or holy or maybe even that good of a person. But today, this is how I felt--like God wanted me to take notice of the day, and He was saying:
"Look what I have made for you today! I know you had a rough night's sleep, and You asked me where I was, if I even care...."
"This is my gift for you today, just for a short time, for more clouds are coming. But for now, this moment, enjoy the beauty of the day. Look how blue the sky is. Feel the soft breeze in the air--I know how much you enjoy wind."
"I am in nature, I am everywhere. But you have to listen for me, look for me in these gifts. No evil can take it over.
I can still make blue skies for you, make the wind caress your face, turn the leaves bright colors against the drabness of world. You just have to look for me."
The clouds did come, just an hour later. But for that short hour, I took advantage of the sunshine and beauty. It was the perfect day for just an hour. And for that short time, the world felt perfect too.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
The amazing thing about love
I've had so many disappointments, so many betrayals. So many reasons to give up on people. Why love them when they don't love back?
I look to the saints and I have to ask the same question: they suffered more than I have, been disappointed more than I have, been betrayed by others more than I have. And yet they were so happy.
How can they be happy when it's suffering that makes them holy?? It just doesn't make sense.
Blessed Chiara was nicknamed Chiara "Luce" because of the inner light she always seemed to have within her.
(Just a side-note: "Chiara" means "much" or "a lot" in Italian, and "Luce" means light. Together her name means "Much Light".)
She suffered a lot. She died when she was only 18 from bone cancer. She had dreams and plans and she knew she wasn't going to get better. There was an inner struggle at times but early on Chiara decided to let God take control. "I want what You want" was her daily motto.
One day, a Bishop who came to visit her, asked, "Your eyes are amazing! What is it that makes them light up so?"
Her simple response was, "I try to love a lot."
This past week, I have contemplated those words. I think about them a lot. They have gotten me through those rough times when I want to give up and head down the road of self-pity and stay there.
I wonder what it is about self-pity; why we are so attracted to it. And I know: it is because it's a place where it's ok to be angry because there is a lot of self-justification. It's the place where we are right and everyone else is wrong. And we aren't required to forgive, because people don't deserve our forgiveness. There is no work involved in self-pity, it's all coasting. And it feels pretty darn good.
But there is no peace there. My hurt just kept going round and round in my head. All the memories of past hurts also start to haunt me, all the people who have let me down somehow. It's amazing how the devil will round all that stuff up for you, he is so efficient.
There is no rest or healing in self-pity and the biggest reason is that there is no love there. How can there be, when all you do is push others away for fear or anger or justification?
And so Blessed Chiara's words make a lot of sense to me, as do St.Mother Theresa, The Little Flower and anyone else who is a saint.
Because there is no such thing of a saint who hasn't suffered to the extent of some sort of spiritual martyrdom. Yet how did they get through it, how did they have love and joy?
It's something to ponder. Something to munch on.
Not something we can figure out in one day, but rather, a lifetime.
It's the mystery of God's love for us. And the love we must use for one another. Despite the fact that they have hurt us, haven't loved us, haven't said they were sorry or forgiven us in return.
And somehow, we will find joy in loving them anyway.
I'm not saying I've got it all figured out. I'm just saying it's amazing to think about.
I look to the saints and I have to ask the same question: they suffered more than I have, been disappointed more than I have, been betrayed by others more than I have. And yet they were so happy.
How can they be happy when it's suffering that makes them holy?? It just doesn't make sense.
Blessed Chiara was nicknamed Chiara "Luce" because of the inner light she always seemed to have within her.
(Just a side-note: "Chiara" means "much" or "a lot" in Italian, and "Luce" means light. Together her name means "Much Light".)
She suffered a lot. She died when she was only 18 from bone cancer. She had dreams and plans and she knew she wasn't going to get better. There was an inner struggle at times but early on Chiara decided to let God take control. "I want what You want" was her daily motto.
One day, a Bishop who came to visit her, asked, "Your eyes are amazing! What is it that makes them light up so?"
Her simple response was, "I try to love a lot."
This past week, I have contemplated those words. I think about them a lot. They have gotten me through those rough times when I want to give up and head down the road of self-pity and stay there.
I wonder what it is about self-pity; why we are so attracted to it. And I know: it is because it's a place where it's ok to be angry because there is a lot of self-justification. It's the place where we are right and everyone else is wrong. And we aren't required to forgive, because people don't deserve our forgiveness. There is no work involved in self-pity, it's all coasting. And it feels pretty darn good.
But there is no peace there. My hurt just kept going round and round in my head. All the memories of past hurts also start to haunt me, all the people who have let me down somehow. It's amazing how the devil will round all that stuff up for you, he is so efficient.
There is no rest or healing in self-pity and the biggest reason is that there is no love there. How can there be, when all you do is push others away for fear or anger or justification?
And so Blessed Chiara's words make a lot of sense to me, as do St.Mother Theresa, The Little Flower and anyone else who is a saint.
Because there is no such thing of a saint who hasn't suffered to the extent of some sort of spiritual martyrdom. Yet how did they get through it, how did they have love and joy?
It's something to ponder. Something to munch on.
Not something we can figure out in one day, but rather, a lifetime.
It's the mystery of God's love for us. And the love we must use for one another. Despite the fact that they have hurt us, haven't loved us, haven't said they were sorry or forgiven us in return.
And somehow, we will find joy in loving them anyway.
I'm not saying I've got it all figured out. I'm just saying it's amazing to think about.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
The reward in being kind
When I try to be kind to someone and get no "reward", I know for certain that I have loved "for real." The reward is knowing that this is how Jesus does it--this is how Jesus loves! That's my reward.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Scared all the time
I'm noticing more and more how hard it is to function. I don't know if it's because the responsibility is increasing or if it's the fear that is increasing.
My responsibilities are the same. I cook, clean, do laundry and care for the kids. But even in my day to day, I am slipping. The dishes are hardly ever done. The laundry is hardly ever done. I do take care of the kids though.
My rosary work has increased. I find myself putting off working on orders. Procrastination. I know it's wrong. And it doesn't make the customers happy. I have to force myself to look at the order of the day, try not to get overwhelmed.
Emails. I used to love them but now every time I get one, I don't open them for days. I wonder what it will say. Is it another complaint from a customer? Another problem to solve?
The book I'm supposed to write. I love writing but now that I have a book project that suddenly has come out of nowhere, I am at a standstill as to how to write it. Jerry and the illustrator are waiting on me. The illustrator wanted to know when I would be done so she can start her drawing. . I feel sometimes like I can't breathe!
My parish priest has given me the best compliment in the world. He has asked me if I Would consider being a catechist. I said yes, but now I am having trouble committing to the training. All I can think is, what if I can't do it? what if I suck at this? What if I forget things, like meetings or the commitments that come with being a catechist? He asks almost every week if I still want to do this but I am so overwhelmed I can't make a decision. Every time I say yes, they remind me about the hours it will take to be trained and I find myself overwhelmed all over again.
And the usual appointments. Everyone comes to the mom for information. They want to know when they can schedule appointments for assesments for the boys disabilities. Or if I have filled out and mailed those packets yet to see if they can join that summer program. Teachers Appreciation week. Everyone wants gift cards. It is too much.
I know I complain a lot in this blog. This is my "complaining blog" the other one is my "let's pretend everything is great" blog. But in this blog, I pretty much let out my stress, my insecurities, my worries.
I am worried I can't handle it all. I worry that the rosary orders won't stop. I Worry that they will stop and money will not come in. I worry I won't ever get to that book. I worry Jerry will take it over and I won't have a part in it at all.
I worry I will be a terrible catechist. I Worry that I will miss my family, that my little ones will miss me. I know that's silly, it is only a couple hours a week but they are used to me always being nearby and available.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. The dishes pile higher and higher, the laundry is pretty much a mountain. I avoid my work as much as possible. I stay in my room, reading FB and playing silly games on my Kindle.
The other day I was at adoration and I prayed about all of this. It took a half hour to get through all of it. The next half hour, tears ran down my face without my control. I don't know if they were tears of relief or sadness. Maybe they were tears of healing. But they just kept coming, and didn't stop until I left.
My responsibilities are the same. I cook, clean, do laundry and care for the kids. But even in my day to day, I am slipping. The dishes are hardly ever done. The laundry is hardly ever done. I do take care of the kids though.
My rosary work has increased. I find myself putting off working on orders. Procrastination. I know it's wrong. And it doesn't make the customers happy. I have to force myself to look at the order of the day, try not to get overwhelmed.
Emails. I used to love them but now every time I get one, I don't open them for days. I wonder what it will say. Is it another complaint from a customer? Another problem to solve?
The book I'm supposed to write. I love writing but now that I have a book project that suddenly has come out of nowhere, I am at a standstill as to how to write it. Jerry and the illustrator are waiting on me. The illustrator wanted to know when I would be done so she can start her drawing. . I feel sometimes like I can't breathe!
My parish priest has given me the best compliment in the world. He has asked me if I Would consider being a catechist. I said yes, but now I am having trouble committing to the training. All I can think is, what if I can't do it? what if I suck at this? What if I forget things, like meetings or the commitments that come with being a catechist? He asks almost every week if I still want to do this but I am so overwhelmed I can't make a decision. Every time I say yes, they remind me about the hours it will take to be trained and I find myself overwhelmed all over again.
And the usual appointments. Everyone comes to the mom for information. They want to know when they can schedule appointments for assesments for the boys disabilities. Or if I have filled out and mailed those packets yet to see if they can join that summer program. Teachers Appreciation week. Everyone wants gift cards. It is too much.
I know I complain a lot in this blog. This is my "complaining blog" the other one is my "let's pretend everything is great" blog. But in this blog, I pretty much let out my stress, my insecurities, my worries.
I am worried I can't handle it all. I worry that the rosary orders won't stop. I Worry that they will stop and money will not come in. I worry I won't ever get to that book. I worry Jerry will take it over and I won't have a part in it at all.
I worry I will be a terrible catechist. I Worry that I will miss my family, that my little ones will miss me. I know that's silly, it is only a couple hours a week but they are used to me always being nearby and available.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. The dishes pile higher and higher, the laundry is pretty much a mountain. I avoid my work as much as possible. I stay in my room, reading FB and playing silly games on my Kindle.
The other day I was at adoration and I prayed about all of this. It took a half hour to get through all of it. The next half hour, tears ran down my face without my control. I don't know if they were tears of relief or sadness. Maybe they were tears of healing. But they just kept coming, and didn't stop until I left.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
How a thimble of water can fill up an ocean
Do you realize that no matter what I say or do in my life, very few seem to notice or care. But, at the same time, I feel more loved than I ever have in my life? So very full.
Answer that phenomenon.
It's called the mystery of God's love.
It's impossible to fill an ocean with a thimble of water but this is how it is for me. God is my thimble that fills me completely.
We all experience loneliness, sometimes depression. I wonder at times how I can survive it, especially when I am met with such indifference from others. But these are the times when I feel God holding me close and telling me that He loves me.
Isn't strange and wonderful at the same time, to feel so unloved yet loved completely? I thank God daily for His great love for me.
Answer that phenomenon.
It's called the mystery of God's love.
It's impossible to fill an ocean with a thimble of water but this is how it is for me. God is my thimble that fills me completely.
We all experience loneliness, sometimes depression. I wonder at times how I can survive it, especially when I am met with such indifference from others. But these are the times when I feel God holding me close and telling me that He loves me.
Isn't strange and wonderful at the same time, to feel so unloved yet loved completely? I thank God daily for His great love for me.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Little eyes and little ears
This morning, I woke up to the usual chaos. Fridays Dennis works and so it's just me trying to get kids off to school. I get woken up by Anna bringing my phone into my room, which is ringing loudly from the alarm.
Still trying to wake up, I get up and find Lucy moaning on the living room floor, clutching her stomach. I know without even asking that she has the flu. Henry had it earlier this week and Luke came down with it yesterday.
I go downstairs to find Max watching cartoons instead of getting ready for school. I remind him rather testily that his bus comes very early, and he has twenty minutes to get dressed and eat breakfast. Why is he watching cartoons and why isn't he dressed???
I go back upstairs to make cereal, trying to figure out in my still foggy head how many kids will actually be eating. Anna and Max for sure, I tell myself.
Then Max comes upstairs complaining he can't find his College t-shirt. He needs it to go on a field trip today. If he shows up without it, he gets left behind to work on school work in the Star Room. (The "Star Room" is the "everything room", used as a study hall, a baby-sitting room and detention all in one.) So we look all over the bedroom, through the laundry and under beds for his t-shirt and my patience is running out.
"Why didn't you have this ready last night like I told you?" I asked him, annoyed.
"Because I was in trouble for being sassy and you sent me to my room!" he reminded me. That's right. Last night was a terrible night of more "behavior." Well, he could've been looking for his t-shirt while he was in his room.
I have him go eat his breakfast while I continue to look for his t-shirt. The longer I frantically search, the more stressed I become. The more stressed I become, the more I begin to sweat. My patience is totally gone now, and I'm shouting at Max to hurry up, look for his t-shirt.
We look all over the place, tearing up the house. Max's bus comes and goes. We search on. I call up Dennis upset, asking if he had seen the t-shirt anywhere. He said he had not.
Then I got upset with Dennis. I had two dr appointments for two of the kids that morning--Anna and Luke. Luke, for a med check (he needs a dosage increase) and Anna for strange re-appearing rash on her face. Dennis had made these appointments himself, back to back. I didn't mind at the time but that was before I realized that Lucy was going to be home sick, and now it looked like Max would have to stay home too since we couldn't find his t-shirt. Thanks to all of this, I had to bring five kids with me to the doctor's or else just cancel the appointments which I really didn't want to do because Anna really needed that rash checked and Luke really needed that dosage increase to help control his ADHD impulses.
There isn't much Dennis can do. Still upset and overwhelmed, I hang up.
We continue to search for the t-shirt and Max is getting increasingly upset. He had been looking forward to this field trip and even though I was annoyed with him, I didn't want him to miss it. And the more upset he gets, the more "autistic" he becomes.
I think to myself that I can't handle an autistic fit right now. I just went through that with him yesterday and was still recovering. Nothing is working out this morning.
Then for some reason, I realize I haven't seen the dog in a while. I go to look for him, because if he disappears, it's usually because he's hiding, chewing on something he shouldn't be chewing on.
I find him curled up on the vent in my room--a place he goes to when he feeling stressed. I know he's feeding off of my stress (he's a super sensitive dog) so immediately I feel bad. I coax him out of the corner and reassure him that everything is ok.
At that moment, Lucy comes out from hiding (also fearing my stress) and says out of the blue, "when I grow up I'm only going to have two kids. That way I know I can handle it."
I know she didn't mean anything by it, but her words worried me. I knew she looked to me as an example of what motherhood is and I had been a bad example. I wished I could take back my angry words, my frantic and exasperated attitude. All the things I had been mumbling under my breath about kids in general, she had heard. I feel terrible.
I told her, "Lucy, don't limit yourself according to my own limitations. The truth is, I don't handle stress well at all and that has nothing to do with you guys. God could have just given me one kid and I still would get stressed. I just have to work on that. But be open to God's plan and let Him give you the children He knows you can handle. You might be surprised at what you can do."
And at the end of my speech, the dog threw up. Right there beside me. Before I can even react, he goes to me to look for comfort and throws up again.
Really???
I look at Lucy and say, "You see? And that has nothing to do with kids at all. Chaos just happens and we got to trust God with it."
I brought the dog outside and asked the kids to come and pray with me. We pray to St.Anthony to find the college t-shirt so he can go on his field trip. We pray to God to ask everyone to feel better again. Then we pray three Hail Marys.
Dennis ended up coming home and finding the t-shirt in Max's drawer--the same drawer that I had looked in and Max had looked in. Dennis was not happy and he and Max got in a fight. The stress continued.
I intervened and explained to Dennis that it had been a tough morning. We apologize and thank him for coming out to help and I tell him he can go back to work. I will figure out how to get everyone to the drs somehow.
Dennis opts to stay home; he's not feeling well either. He will drive Max to school an stay home with the sick kids while I go to the drs with Anna and Luke.
It's been a tough morning but an enlightening one too. I am remembering that little eyes are watching me, learning from me how to handle stress. Taking it all in and coming to their own conclusions of what stresses me out and how it can be handled for the future.
You never know, perhaps all those women today who limit themselves to one or two children had a stressed out and complaining mother who said she couldn't do it anymore "with all these kids". I am reminded once again how it's important to keep a calm and cool head. To let things go. To cut out appointments if we have to. To let others down in order to be a better parent to our kids.
Little eyes are watching us, taking in our every move. Little ears are listening, taking in every word and every complaint. And little minds are always thinking; always coming to conclusions of their own--whether they are the right conclusions or not.
Still trying to wake up, I get up and find Lucy moaning on the living room floor, clutching her stomach. I know without even asking that she has the flu. Henry had it earlier this week and Luke came down with it yesterday.
I go downstairs to find Max watching cartoons instead of getting ready for school. I remind him rather testily that his bus comes very early, and he has twenty minutes to get dressed and eat breakfast. Why is he watching cartoons and why isn't he dressed???
I go back upstairs to make cereal, trying to figure out in my still foggy head how many kids will actually be eating. Anna and Max for sure, I tell myself.
Then Max comes upstairs complaining he can't find his College t-shirt. He needs it to go on a field trip today. If he shows up without it, he gets left behind to work on school work in the Star Room. (The "Star Room" is the "everything room", used as a study hall, a baby-sitting room and detention all in one.) So we look all over the bedroom, through the laundry and under beds for his t-shirt and my patience is running out.
"Why didn't you have this ready last night like I told you?" I asked him, annoyed.
"Because I was in trouble for being sassy and you sent me to my room!" he reminded me. That's right. Last night was a terrible night of more "behavior." Well, he could've been looking for his t-shirt while he was in his room.
I have him go eat his breakfast while I continue to look for his t-shirt. The longer I frantically search, the more stressed I become. The more stressed I become, the more I begin to sweat. My patience is totally gone now, and I'm shouting at Max to hurry up, look for his t-shirt.
We look all over the place, tearing up the house. Max's bus comes and goes. We search on. I call up Dennis upset, asking if he had seen the t-shirt anywhere. He said he had not.
Then I got upset with Dennis. I had two dr appointments for two of the kids that morning--Anna and Luke. Luke, for a med check (he needs a dosage increase) and Anna for strange re-appearing rash on her face. Dennis had made these appointments himself, back to back. I didn't mind at the time but that was before I realized that Lucy was going to be home sick, and now it looked like Max would have to stay home too since we couldn't find his t-shirt. Thanks to all of this, I had to bring five kids with me to the doctor's or else just cancel the appointments which I really didn't want to do because Anna really needed that rash checked and Luke really needed that dosage increase to help control his ADHD impulses.
There isn't much Dennis can do. Still upset and overwhelmed, I hang up.
We continue to search for the t-shirt and Max is getting increasingly upset. He had been looking forward to this field trip and even though I was annoyed with him, I didn't want him to miss it. And the more upset he gets, the more "autistic" he becomes.
I think to myself that I can't handle an autistic fit right now. I just went through that with him yesterday and was still recovering. Nothing is working out this morning.
Then for some reason, I realize I haven't seen the dog in a while. I go to look for him, because if he disappears, it's usually because he's hiding, chewing on something he shouldn't be chewing on.
I find him curled up on the vent in my room--a place he goes to when he feeling stressed. I know he's feeding off of my stress (he's a super sensitive dog) so immediately I feel bad. I coax him out of the corner and reassure him that everything is ok.
At that moment, Lucy comes out from hiding (also fearing my stress) and says out of the blue, "when I grow up I'm only going to have two kids. That way I know I can handle it."
I know she didn't mean anything by it, but her words worried me. I knew she looked to me as an example of what motherhood is and I had been a bad example. I wished I could take back my angry words, my frantic and exasperated attitude. All the things I had been mumbling under my breath about kids in general, she had heard. I feel terrible.
I told her, "Lucy, don't limit yourself according to my own limitations. The truth is, I don't handle stress well at all and that has nothing to do with you guys. God could have just given me one kid and I still would get stressed. I just have to work on that. But be open to God's plan and let Him give you the children He knows you can handle. You might be surprised at what you can do."
And at the end of my speech, the dog threw up. Right there beside me. Before I can even react, he goes to me to look for comfort and throws up again.
Really???
I look at Lucy and say, "You see? And that has nothing to do with kids at all. Chaos just happens and we got to trust God with it."
I brought the dog outside and asked the kids to come and pray with me. We pray to St.Anthony to find the college t-shirt so he can go on his field trip. We pray to God to ask everyone to feel better again. Then we pray three Hail Marys.
Dennis ended up coming home and finding the t-shirt in Max's drawer--the same drawer that I had looked in and Max had looked in. Dennis was not happy and he and Max got in a fight. The stress continued.
I intervened and explained to Dennis that it had been a tough morning. We apologize and thank him for coming out to help and I tell him he can go back to work. I will figure out how to get everyone to the drs somehow.
Dennis opts to stay home; he's not feeling well either. He will drive Max to school an stay home with the sick kids while I go to the drs with Anna and Luke.
It's been a tough morning but an enlightening one too. I am remembering that little eyes are watching me, learning from me how to handle stress. Taking it all in and coming to their own conclusions of what stresses me out and how it can be handled for the future.
You never know, perhaps all those women today who limit themselves to one or two children had a stressed out and complaining mother who said she couldn't do it anymore "with all these kids". I am reminded once again how it's important to keep a calm and cool head. To let things go. To cut out appointments if we have to. To let others down in order to be a better parent to our kids.
Little eyes are watching us, taking in our every move. Little ears are listening, taking in every word and every complaint. And little minds are always thinking; always coming to conclusions of their own--whether they are the right conclusions or not.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Epiphany
Wow, just hit with an epiphany!
We need suffering in order learn how to love!
Key word here is "learn". Suffering doesn't make us love but is the tool to learn. With suffering, we learn compassion and empathy. We learn love.
I have heard this before but it never has hit me like it has before. No wonder we need to suffer! No wonder!
So it's good that we suffer. That is our growing time. It is very painful but it means that God is working in your soul, not that He has abandoned you.
No bitterness in my heart when I say that I hope everyone suffers a little bit. I hope everyone learns how to love. Then, we will all understand one another a little more.
We need suffering in order learn how to love!
Key word here is "learn". Suffering doesn't make us love but is the tool to learn. With suffering, we learn compassion and empathy. We learn love.
I have heard this before but it never has hit me like it has before. No wonder we need to suffer! No wonder!
So it's good that we suffer. That is our growing time. It is very painful but it means that God is working in your soul, not that He has abandoned you.
No bitterness in my heart when I say that I hope everyone suffers a little bit. I hope everyone learns how to love. Then, we will all understand one another a little more.
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Suffering
I had thought I was suffering before, but I had no idea what I was in for next.
I wrote an article--which I had naively thought would be received on a neutral basis on how I did not let my son receive Communion one time.
This was an outrage to so many, and without giving me a chance or fully reading the article, the yelled at me (through the comments) on how very wrong I was.
I can't really explain what this has done to me. Without being dramatic, I can say that, other than my heart attack, I have never suffered more in my life than I have these past few days.
To be judged so harshly without knowing the situation, and then to be told your worst fears--that you are not a good mother. And that you showed a lack of love toward your child. Not one person, but many.
They all have stones in their hands, every one of them.
I have avoided all media but after a while, these comments began to leak into my email. I told my brother to pull the article.
To make things worse, he doesn't want me to write for him anymore. He did not officially "fire" me; I had told him that I couldn't do this anymore, and he and my other brother told me not to give up. But when I reconsidered, it seemed that my brother had been thinking as well; he felt it best for me to "lay low" and when and if did write for him again, to go under a pseudonym. I don't really want to do that. If I write, I want to write as myself, not someone else. It feels like I am a criminal or something.
There is no where that I feel free to go anymore. I have no more friends. I do not have Sunshine and I do not have Kate. I no longer have Facebook friends since I can't go on (at least until it calms down.)
I thought to myself yesterday, "Now I know how drug addicts feel. And porn addicts. And alcoholics. And child molesters. All those people who have done horrible things and are judged and never given another chance. " I can honestly say, I know how they feel.
Whether it is over something truly criminal or something like a personal decision, people can be so cruel. They have the power with words to hurt you and then isolate you.
I also have to say that I totally understand why so many people can't see the sincerity in Christians.
These "Christian" mothers who all yelled at me and just kept going, and going and going, throwing stones...and when they saw that already I was hurt, they threw another one. All for "Standing up for Jesus", they say. All for "doing what is right."
That is what is right?
That's Christian love? And they wonder why they can't get any converts???
Today, when I sneaked on Facebook to see if things had calmed down, I saw a FB Friend of mine say that she had "amazingly got a pro-choice friend to admit she was wrong through a debate." While everyone praised this woman for her wise and wonderful words, I dared to type: "That was extremely courageous of that woman. I hope everyone gave her props for that." And then I quickly got off before I was rebuked.
Suffering.
I was under so much heartache yesterday that I experienced what grieving people say they experience, which is physical pain. I had always wondered how that was possible, how could someone who is suffering heartache have a physical feeling with it?
But strangely enough, it does happen. I had both emotional and physical heartache yesterday and the day before. For two days, the pain never left me. I ended up feeling feverish and achy.
On top of that, no one called me. Not one person tried to reach out to me. I truly felt so alone.
I ended up praying to God, "Lord, no wonder so many people kill themselves. No wonder. If this is love, if this is how we treat one another, no wonder."
Why do we do this to one another? Why are we so hard on one another? If someone falls down, why don't we lift them up, instead of explaining why they fell?
It is God's job to throw down the arrogant and our job to pick them back up again. That is it and that is all. Why do we feel we have to do more?
I had thought to myself, rather ruefully, "Oh well, at least all these people who cause me suffering will bring me to heaven!"
Immediately, the next thought flashed through my mind: "No. First you need to learn to love the people who cause you to suffer--then you will go to heaven."
Suffering.
I feel like today finally, I have come out of the peak of the suffering. That is not to say that heartache is not still there. I am still alone. I still won't go on Facebook. I no longer have a job or purpose. I am simply housewife and mother. I still need to work through the sadness.
But today I realized something. It's ok for me to suffer once in a while. We all have to go through periods of darkness, just like God gives us periods of sunshine. As hard as it is, we need the suffering to cling to God. That is our special time with Jesus.
Despite this terrible pain, the horrible thoughts, and all that comes with suffering, I have felt alone in human terms but never alone spiritually. It was as though He was following me through my day. Every time I cried, He was there, soothing me.
That's why I realized today that suffering is very necessary. It is hard and difficult but it is the only time I feel "holy." I feel holy because I am next to Holiness, and Holiness is bringing through it, and teaching me to suffer, and helping to pray for my persecutors. I couldn't do that on my own.
Jesus suffered, so we can't escape it. We all have to go through it at some point in our lives or many times. But it will make us holy.
Today I have the happy thought that my suffering will raise me up to sit closer to Him in heaven.
I wrote an article--which I had naively thought would be received on a neutral basis on how I did not let my son receive Communion one time.
This was an outrage to so many, and without giving me a chance or fully reading the article, the yelled at me (through the comments) on how very wrong I was.
I can't really explain what this has done to me. Without being dramatic, I can say that, other than my heart attack, I have never suffered more in my life than I have these past few days.
To be judged so harshly without knowing the situation, and then to be told your worst fears--that you are not a good mother. And that you showed a lack of love toward your child. Not one person, but many.
They all have stones in their hands, every one of them.
I have avoided all media but after a while, these comments began to leak into my email. I told my brother to pull the article.
To make things worse, he doesn't want me to write for him anymore. He did not officially "fire" me; I had told him that I couldn't do this anymore, and he and my other brother told me not to give up. But when I reconsidered, it seemed that my brother had been thinking as well; he felt it best for me to "lay low" and when and if did write for him again, to go under a pseudonym. I don't really want to do that. If I write, I want to write as myself, not someone else. It feels like I am a criminal or something.
There is no where that I feel free to go anymore. I have no more friends. I do not have Sunshine and I do not have Kate. I no longer have Facebook friends since I can't go on (at least until it calms down.)
I thought to myself yesterday, "Now I know how drug addicts feel. And porn addicts. And alcoholics. And child molesters. All those people who have done horrible things and are judged and never given another chance. " I can honestly say, I know how they feel.
Whether it is over something truly criminal or something like a personal decision, people can be so cruel. They have the power with words to hurt you and then isolate you.
I also have to say that I totally understand why so many people can't see the sincerity in Christians.
These "Christian" mothers who all yelled at me and just kept going, and going and going, throwing stones...and when they saw that already I was hurt, they threw another one. All for "Standing up for Jesus", they say. All for "doing what is right."
That is what is right?
That's Christian love? And they wonder why they can't get any converts???
Today, when I sneaked on Facebook to see if things had calmed down, I saw a FB Friend of mine say that she had "amazingly got a pro-choice friend to admit she was wrong through a debate." While everyone praised this woman for her wise and wonderful words, I dared to type: "That was extremely courageous of that woman. I hope everyone gave her props for that." And then I quickly got off before I was rebuked.
Suffering.
I was under so much heartache yesterday that I experienced what grieving people say they experience, which is physical pain. I had always wondered how that was possible, how could someone who is suffering heartache have a physical feeling with it?
But strangely enough, it does happen. I had both emotional and physical heartache yesterday and the day before. For two days, the pain never left me. I ended up feeling feverish and achy.
On top of that, no one called me. Not one person tried to reach out to me. I truly felt so alone.
I ended up praying to God, "Lord, no wonder so many people kill themselves. No wonder. If this is love, if this is how we treat one another, no wonder."
Why do we do this to one another? Why are we so hard on one another? If someone falls down, why don't we lift them up, instead of explaining why they fell?
It is God's job to throw down the arrogant and our job to pick them back up again. That is it and that is all. Why do we feel we have to do more?
I had thought to myself, rather ruefully, "Oh well, at least all these people who cause me suffering will bring me to heaven!"
Immediately, the next thought flashed through my mind: "No. First you need to learn to love the people who cause you to suffer--then you will go to heaven."
Suffering.
I feel like today finally, I have come out of the peak of the suffering. That is not to say that heartache is not still there. I am still alone. I still won't go on Facebook. I no longer have a job or purpose. I am simply housewife and mother. I still need to work through the sadness.
But today I realized something. It's ok for me to suffer once in a while. We all have to go through periods of darkness, just like God gives us periods of sunshine. As hard as it is, we need the suffering to cling to God. That is our special time with Jesus.
Despite this terrible pain, the horrible thoughts, and all that comes with suffering, I have felt alone in human terms but never alone spiritually. It was as though He was following me through my day. Every time I cried, He was there, soothing me.
That's why I realized today that suffering is very necessary. It is hard and difficult but it is the only time I feel "holy." I feel holy because I am next to Holiness, and Holiness is bringing through it, and teaching me to suffer, and helping to pray for my persecutors. I couldn't do that on my own.
Jesus suffered, so we can't escape it. We all have to go through it at some point in our lives or many times. But it will make us holy.
Today I have the happy thought that my suffering will raise me up to sit closer to Him in heaven.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
How to suffer with joy
This entry is not a "how to suffer with joy", it's a "HOW do you suffer with joy?" Anyone know?
I know I don't. There are days when I feel I can do it. I can sacrifice for others. I can smile on the outside even though I feel sad on the inside.
But there are days like today, I just suffer.
"The Lord loveth the cheerful giver." This quote goes often through my head. Why does He loveth (loves) the cheerful giver?
Maybe because He knows that the cheerful giver is giving all he/she has. Maybe they are "done" and yet still giving. Maybe they are ok with no letting others know their suffering, or how they have been the cause of it, for love of them. The "cheerful giver" has understood love. Maybe that's why the Lord loves them.
I am not there yet. I want to be. I want to be cheerful for my family, I want to create joy, not sadness. I want to help where I can help. I often think what a gift this is that we all have--the opportunity to lighten someone's load, to make their day a little brighter, but we hardly ever do this. That's because it takes a lot of sacrifice and heartache. It means we have to be last. It means we sometimes will be totally forgotten about.
The mystery is in the joy. Or maybe the mystery is in the suffering.
I know I don't. There are days when I feel I can do it. I can sacrifice for others. I can smile on the outside even though I feel sad on the inside.
But there are days like today, I just suffer.
"The Lord loveth the cheerful giver." This quote goes often through my head. Why does He loveth (loves) the cheerful giver?
Maybe because He knows that the cheerful giver is giving all he/she has. Maybe they are "done" and yet still giving. Maybe they are ok with no letting others know their suffering, or how they have been the cause of it, for love of them. The "cheerful giver" has understood love. Maybe that's why the Lord loves them.
I am not there yet. I want to be. I want to be cheerful for my family, I want to create joy, not sadness. I want to help where I can help. I often think what a gift this is that we all have--the opportunity to lighten someone's load, to make their day a little brighter, but we hardly ever do this. That's because it takes a lot of sacrifice and heartache. It means we have to be last. It means we sometimes will be totally forgotten about.
The mystery is in the joy. Or maybe the mystery is in the suffering.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Vanity of rosaries
I got upset with the kids today about their bad attitudes; I said that it's up to them to look for the good in others...but now I'm faced with my own advice.
There is a customer that I'm having a lot of trouble with--she's been my "thorn in my side." She ordered more rosaries that I can make, and although I need the money, the order is too big and too spread out (she wants them sent out at certain times.) I wish she had ordered only what she needed now and waited for the rest. It would have been easier for the both of us. Anyway, I busted my butt to get the first two sent out to her--only for her to want to send them back and cancel the entire order. Well, that was a huge disappointment because now I had to figure out how to come out with $200 that I no longer had...I finally came to a place where I had accepted the disappointment and even saw the good in canceling the order when she suddenly changed her mind. Instead, she wanted certain items off but did not clarify which ones.
Anyway, the communication with her has been very difficult. when I do hear from her, she wants to know where her refunds are. Lord, help me to have patience with this difficult woman.
In the meantime, she is sending back the two rosaries she didn't like for me to redo them. I agreed to redo those two in order to keep the order since I don't have the money to pay her back. But I thought about it today and thought to myself, "this is not a 'handmade woman.'" Meaning, she doesn't like or appreciate hand-made things. She would do better to order manufactured items, where she will get perfection every time. Instead, I am worried and nervous about the rest of the rosaries: will she hate those too? She is so unpredictable and difficult to please--and a little crazy for spending so much money on handmade things.
Lately I'm having a hard time with making rosaries. I love making them; love putting my ideas and thoughts into them. But as for the "hardware" (crucifixes and medals), I keep those very basic and affordable. I do this so that my rosaries can be also affordable. I also do this so that someone will not feel the burden of paying so much money that now that rosary has become a possession.
Rosaries are meant to be prayed on. They are not jewelry. They should not be something to be worried and concerned over. Symbolism is wonderful, but let's keep things under control. Let's remember why we have rosaries. Let's be ok with the eye pins coming undone once in a while (it happens to every rosary) and get our tools and put them back together. Let's be ok with the basic crucifix: it still is an image of our Lord. Let's be ok with the basic centerpiece: it is a picture of our Mother.
I need the money but more and more, I'm thinking of quitting my handmade rosaries. Lord, tell me what to do. I hate being a part of materialism and vanity. It's just not right.
I am thankful for the customers that have been kind and patient as I make their rosaries. They are not perfect rosaries but each are handmade with love.
There is a customer that I'm having a lot of trouble with--she's been my "thorn in my side." She ordered more rosaries that I can make, and although I need the money, the order is too big and too spread out (she wants them sent out at certain times.) I wish she had ordered only what she needed now and waited for the rest. It would have been easier for the both of us. Anyway, I busted my butt to get the first two sent out to her--only for her to want to send them back and cancel the entire order. Well, that was a huge disappointment because now I had to figure out how to come out with $200 that I no longer had...I finally came to a place where I had accepted the disappointment and even saw the good in canceling the order when she suddenly changed her mind. Instead, she wanted certain items off but did not clarify which ones.
Anyway, the communication with her has been very difficult. when I do hear from her, she wants to know where her refunds are. Lord, help me to have patience with this difficult woman.
In the meantime, she is sending back the two rosaries she didn't like for me to redo them. I agreed to redo those two in order to keep the order since I don't have the money to pay her back. But I thought about it today and thought to myself, "this is not a 'handmade woman.'" Meaning, she doesn't like or appreciate hand-made things. She would do better to order manufactured items, where she will get perfection every time. Instead, I am worried and nervous about the rest of the rosaries: will she hate those too? She is so unpredictable and difficult to please--and a little crazy for spending so much money on handmade things.
Lately I'm having a hard time with making rosaries. I love making them; love putting my ideas and thoughts into them. But as for the "hardware" (crucifixes and medals), I keep those very basic and affordable. I do this so that my rosaries can be also affordable. I also do this so that someone will not feel the burden of paying so much money that now that rosary has become a possession.
Rosaries are meant to be prayed on. They are not jewelry. They should not be something to be worried and concerned over. Symbolism is wonderful, but let's keep things under control. Let's remember why we have rosaries. Let's be ok with the eye pins coming undone once in a while (it happens to every rosary) and get our tools and put them back together. Let's be ok with the basic crucifix: it still is an image of our Lord. Let's be ok with the basic centerpiece: it is a picture of our Mother.
I need the money but more and more, I'm thinking of quitting my handmade rosaries. Lord, tell me what to do. I hate being a part of materialism and vanity. It's just not right.
I am thankful for the customers that have been kind and patient as I make their rosaries. They are not perfect rosaries but each are handmade with love.
Monday, March 7, 2016
People!
The problem with getting off of Facebook is that you have to deal with people.
God asks us to love those who hurt us anyway. It is so hard sometimes.
Am I guilty of hurting others? Yes. Have I been selfish? Yes. These little reminders are the only thing that prompts me to forgiveness.
God asks us to love those who hurt us anyway. It is so hard sometimes.
Am I guilty of hurting others? Yes. Have I been selfish? Yes. These little reminders are the only thing that prompts me to forgiveness.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Thoughts about Scuicide
Out of all the ways to die, suicide is the worst way to go--at least in my opinion.
I'm surprised that more people to mention that. You hear a lot about cancer being the worst way to go, but never suicide. Or at least, it doesn't get as much recognition as it should.
I learned a few months ago that Saywer Sweeten--the little boy who played on the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond, committed suicide back last April. Of course, that was very jarring, because you see this person as a cute little kid, full of innocence. And the last time you see him is when he's about nine years old. Then the show ends and you assume he will grow up and continue acting or do something else. But you don't assume that he will kill himself because of financial problems, drugs and bullying.
I've been hearing so much about suicide lately. A TV weather man recently killed himself by running his car into a store on purpose. What is going on with people lately?
A woman who lost her 13 year old son to suicide has a FB page called Kindness Matters. She's dedicated herself to spreading the awareness of kindness. Her son killed himself because he was bullied at school for the way he looked.
What is the worst way to die? Alone.
That is what suicide is. It is the overwhelming feeling of being totally abandoned and alone. I am sure that Jesus's suffering in Gethenemane (sp?)was for those especially who felt this way and would die because of it.
I have a real special place for those who feel lonely, afraid and hopeless. Those are the people to love. Those are the people to reach out to.
Those people who are jerks--love them. Those people who are arrogant--love them. Those people who don't talk to you, keep to themselves--love them. Those people who are mean to you, jealous of you--love them. Because they don't love themselves. And one day, they may die because no one loved them back.
Do they deserve your love? Probably not. But we gotta love them anyway. We are starving of lack of love.
I pray for suicidal people almost every day. They have a special place in my heart. I don't know anyone who is suicidal personally--most people keep it a secret until they decide to go through with it. Then they tell someone as a last ditch effort to see if anyone cares enough to take them seriously.
I want them to know someone out there cares for them. They don't know me and I don't know them, but I love them. I want them to live. I don't want any more people dying from lack of love.
I'm surprised that more people to mention that. You hear a lot about cancer being the worst way to go, but never suicide. Or at least, it doesn't get as much recognition as it should.
I learned a few months ago that Saywer Sweeten--the little boy who played on the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond, committed suicide back last April. Of course, that was very jarring, because you see this person as a cute little kid, full of innocence. And the last time you see him is when he's about nine years old. Then the show ends and you assume he will grow up and continue acting or do something else. But you don't assume that he will kill himself because of financial problems, drugs and bullying.
I've been hearing so much about suicide lately. A TV weather man recently killed himself by running his car into a store on purpose. What is going on with people lately?
A woman who lost her 13 year old son to suicide has a FB page called Kindness Matters. She's dedicated herself to spreading the awareness of kindness. Her son killed himself because he was bullied at school for the way he looked.
What is the worst way to die? Alone.
That is what suicide is. It is the overwhelming feeling of being totally abandoned and alone. I am sure that Jesus's suffering in Gethenemane (sp?)was for those especially who felt this way and would die because of it.
I have a real special place for those who feel lonely, afraid and hopeless. Those are the people to love. Those are the people to reach out to.
Those people who are jerks--love them. Those people who are arrogant--love them. Those people who don't talk to you, keep to themselves--love them. Those people who are mean to you, jealous of you--love them. Because they don't love themselves. And one day, they may die because no one loved them back.
Do they deserve your love? Probably not. But we gotta love them anyway. We are starving of lack of love.
I pray for suicidal people almost every day. They have a special place in my heart. I don't know anyone who is suicidal personally--most people keep it a secret until they decide to go through with it. Then they tell someone as a last ditch effort to see if anyone cares enough to take them seriously.
I want them to know someone out there cares for them. They don't know me and I don't know them, but I love them. I want them to live. I don't want any more people dying from lack of love.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Reduced to a Facebook Friendship
Before Jesus left the earth, He gave us two commandments: Love God and love thy neighbor.
It's easy to love God. He's nice. But to love our neighbor? That is a harder thing. Perhaps, the hardest thing we'll ever be called to do.
I might as well say that I am back on Facebook. (Do I need the change the name of this blog??) I was lonely. Unless you're a person with an active social life (key word: active), it's difficult to stay in touch with people. They're all on the Internet.
I had a friend who lives maybe 15 miles away from me. We had been friends for over ten years. She was an atheist and knew that I was a crazy Catholic that lived my faith, but she seemed ok with that.
She became pregnant and found out that her baby had Downs Syndrome. She wasn't sure she was cut out to be a parent of a special needs child and was seriously considering giving him up. While I wanted to support her in any way that I could, I also wanted her to know that I felt she also be this child's mother. There is no other special pre-requisite for taking care of special needs other than love. I know, I have a son with autism.
Anyway, she kept the baby. I was thrilled for her and visited them in the hospital. After that, I never saw them again. It seemed she was overwhelmed and busy with motherhood, although she seemed to love it too. Being a mom myself, I understood and tried to be patient in not seeing my friend for many months. But then I noticed on Facebook that she was going out with some other friends, so I decided to see if she wanted to get together.
Long story short, that didn't happen. Nor did it happen the next time I suggested going out. It kept happening, month after month. She claimed she was too busy, too tired, and yet the posts on Facebook of dinner dates with friends or going to the latest movie kept piling up. It was getting harder and harder not taking it personally.
I finally confronted her on it. We got in a fight, and never recovered. I tried inviting her to my husband's surprise birthday party six months later, and she accepted but then pulled out last minute, saying she had other plans. I hadn't seen her for over a year.
I learned through my husband of all people, that she was expecting her second baby. Though I was happy for her, I was also hurt. She hadn't even tried to reach out to tell me. I congratulated her through messaging on her latest pregnancy but did not suggest getting together. She replied that she was due in December but that was about it. No greeting or asking how I've been or anything.
Then I noticed that I was seeing her posts less and less. That was fine with me, because seeing the continual posts from her other friends on their latest get-togethers only brought back the hurt. Me and Sunshine weren't friends anymore, and I had no idea why or what I did to lose her friendship.
When December came around, I checked her timeline to see if she had her baby yet. Strangely enough, I couldn't pull up her name. Now we weren't even friends on Facebook? I had been reduced to a Facebook friendship, nothing more, and now I didn't even have that connection with her. I finally messaged her and just asked if had her baby yet--and if she unfriended me? I tried to not sound too confrontational, but I didn't know how else to pose the question. Oddly enough, she messaged me back and here was her ironic response:
"I would never do that."
I couldn't believe the hypocrisy in this sentence. She would never unfriend me on Facebook, and yet that was exactly what she did in real life--with no explanation or anything. This hurt more than anything she had done throughout the months.
Oddly enough, after this, I was able to pull up her name with no problem. She must have blocked me from seeing her posts, even though I had never commented on them in the past.
I prayed about it, stewed about it, and prayed some more. Then, I did what I felt justified to do: I unfriended her on Facebook.
Instant relief.
I thought I would have felt sadness, pain, guilt or something, but I only felt relief. My so-called friendship with Sunshine was like a rotten tooth that served no purpose and only caused me pain. The minute I had this friendship removed, I felt at peace again. Like I was thinking of myself for once, and not chasing after someone who obviously didn't want to be my friend.
I did not just unfriend Sunshine, but a bunch of people who I didn't even know, who didn't know me or care to get to know me. I unfriended others who had become so busy with their friends that they didn't bother to "like" or comment on my posts. Yes, I realize that sounds very childish, but seeing that that is only our two ways of knowing if someone wants to be your friend or is interested in your life, it is all I have to go by.
I wanted to create a friend list that was filled only with "real friends"; people who I could trust and felt comfortable allowing them to see the personal antidotes of my life. And so, my list got very small, but at least it was filled with real genuine people.
I enjoyed weeks of peace, no more sadness because of hurt friendships. I was even able to start praying for Sunshine again, praying for healing and forgiveness. I didn't want to be bitter or hate her. I never felt that I did hate her, but I also knew that anger can lead to hate if you don't try to forgive.
But then the other day, I got a message from Sunshine. She asked if I had seen pictures of her new baby yet.
What???
What a strange question, after so many months of no communication. Was she testing me to find out if I did unfriend her? I couldn't believe that with the 100+ Facebook friends that she had, that she would notice that I was missing. The only thing I could think of was that she tried to look me up on her timeline and wasn't able to pull up my name. Ha! Hurts, doesn't it?
(Yeah, still working on that forgiveness thing.)
I hardly knew what to say or do. I could just ignore the message and just go on with life, but I have this thing about not answering emails or messages. I answer every one. I just have to. It bugs me if I don't, because I know how I feel when people don't answer my messages.
So I did answer, honestly. I told her I didn't, but congratulations on her new baby. Hope she was doing well.
A day later, I got a friend invite from her.
For real???
I didn't want to be friends with her anymore--not even a superficial facebook friendship. If that was all she could offer, then I didn't want it.
I wanted to be real friends with her, like we used to be. I wanted to meet her baby and hold her. I wanted to find out how much she weighed, how did the pregnancy go, how did her big brother like his new sister?
I wanted to hear how Sunshine was doing after almost a year and a half of not talking. I wanted to go out to eat, like we used to. Or go see a chic-flick. I go to those with Dennis, and it's just not the same.
I did not want to feel hurt again with this restriction she had put me on. I did not want to her acquaintance. I wanted to be her friend.
But before I unfriended her on Facebook, I promised God something. I told Him that if Sunshine ever reached out to me in any way, that I would take that as a sign to continue our friendship. I wanted Sunshine to know God, to believe in Him, to accept Him. We had a few conversations about Him in the past and she said some things that made me wonder if she was thinking a little deeper. Considering that perhaps He could be real...
I'm not sure if this is truly a "sign" or not. I do know that this is the first time she has reached out to me in months and months. It is not much, but perhaps, it's a start.
I took one last day of peace and no hurt before I accepted her friend request. Then I went to her timeline and "liked" her pictures of her new beautiful baby, Charlie (short for Charlotte.) Truly a cute baby, with so much hair.
And I saw all the posts from friends, all the "last night was a blast!" comments and the pictures of get-togethers. All that hurt came back.
I have put her down as "acquaintance" but honestly, I don't want to see her posts at all. It's hard to let her back in my life, even as a facebook friend.
But God asks us to love everybody. Especially those who hurt us. I hang onto these words; they are the only words that give me courage to let people back in, to accept them once more, to forgive. It is hard. More than that. It's a sacrifice of self.
But this world dark with selfishness. Of those who consider their own needs before others. And we are starving each other with lack of love. God calls us to keep loving, even though it hurts. Mother Theresa says to "love until it hurts". Love hurts. It's a self-sacrifice.
I considered not accepting Sunshine's friend request. It means that I'm accepting our friendship on her terms, not mine. I can see her life on the computer, just not be a part of it. That is a tough deal for my ego to take.
But I don't want to be like the world and be consumed with my own needs. Perhaps, Sunshine does need my friendship--even though it's on conditional terms. Perhaps she wants to see my posts; see those Christian memes. Maybe she is curious about the prolife movement and what it means. Maybe this is the only way she can learn and still feel safe.
So we're friends again. Facebook friends. But to me, she will always be very close to my heart. It is what love does.
It's easy to love God. He's nice. But to love our neighbor? That is a harder thing. Perhaps, the hardest thing we'll ever be called to do.
I might as well say that I am back on Facebook. (Do I need the change the name of this blog??) I was lonely. Unless you're a person with an active social life (key word: active), it's difficult to stay in touch with people. They're all on the Internet.
I had a friend who lives maybe 15 miles away from me. We had been friends for over ten years. She was an atheist and knew that I was a crazy Catholic that lived my faith, but she seemed ok with that.
She became pregnant and found out that her baby had Downs Syndrome. She wasn't sure she was cut out to be a parent of a special needs child and was seriously considering giving him up. While I wanted to support her in any way that I could, I also wanted her to know that I felt she also be this child's mother. There is no other special pre-requisite for taking care of special needs other than love. I know, I have a son with autism.
Anyway, she kept the baby. I was thrilled for her and visited them in the hospital. After that, I never saw them again. It seemed she was overwhelmed and busy with motherhood, although she seemed to love it too. Being a mom myself, I understood and tried to be patient in not seeing my friend for many months. But then I noticed on Facebook that she was going out with some other friends, so I decided to see if she wanted to get together.
Long story short, that didn't happen. Nor did it happen the next time I suggested going out. It kept happening, month after month. She claimed she was too busy, too tired, and yet the posts on Facebook of dinner dates with friends or going to the latest movie kept piling up. It was getting harder and harder not taking it personally.
I finally confronted her on it. We got in a fight, and never recovered. I tried inviting her to my husband's surprise birthday party six months later, and she accepted but then pulled out last minute, saying she had other plans. I hadn't seen her for over a year.
I learned through my husband of all people, that she was expecting her second baby. Though I was happy for her, I was also hurt. She hadn't even tried to reach out to tell me. I congratulated her through messaging on her latest pregnancy but did not suggest getting together. She replied that she was due in December but that was about it. No greeting or asking how I've been or anything.
Then I noticed that I was seeing her posts less and less. That was fine with me, because seeing the continual posts from her other friends on their latest get-togethers only brought back the hurt. Me and Sunshine weren't friends anymore, and I had no idea why or what I did to lose her friendship.
When December came around, I checked her timeline to see if she had her baby yet. Strangely enough, I couldn't pull up her name. Now we weren't even friends on Facebook? I had been reduced to a Facebook friendship, nothing more, and now I didn't even have that connection with her. I finally messaged her and just asked if had her baby yet--and if she unfriended me? I tried to not sound too confrontational, but I didn't know how else to pose the question. Oddly enough, she messaged me back and here was her ironic response:
"I would never do that."
I couldn't believe the hypocrisy in this sentence. She would never unfriend me on Facebook, and yet that was exactly what she did in real life--with no explanation or anything. This hurt more than anything she had done throughout the months.
Oddly enough, after this, I was able to pull up her name with no problem. She must have blocked me from seeing her posts, even though I had never commented on them in the past.
I prayed about it, stewed about it, and prayed some more. Then, I did what I felt justified to do: I unfriended her on Facebook.
Instant relief.
I thought I would have felt sadness, pain, guilt or something, but I only felt relief. My so-called friendship with Sunshine was like a rotten tooth that served no purpose and only caused me pain. The minute I had this friendship removed, I felt at peace again. Like I was thinking of myself for once, and not chasing after someone who obviously didn't want to be my friend.
I did not just unfriend Sunshine, but a bunch of people who I didn't even know, who didn't know me or care to get to know me. I unfriended others who had become so busy with their friends that they didn't bother to "like" or comment on my posts. Yes, I realize that sounds very childish, but seeing that that is only our two ways of knowing if someone wants to be your friend or is interested in your life, it is all I have to go by.
I wanted to create a friend list that was filled only with "real friends"; people who I could trust and felt comfortable allowing them to see the personal antidotes of my life. And so, my list got very small, but at least it was filled with real genuine people.
I enjoyed weeks of peace, no more sadness because of hurt friendships. I was even able to start praying for Sunshine again, praying for healing and forgiveness. I didn't want to be bitter or hate her. I never felt that I did hate her, but I also knew that anger can lead to hate if you don't try to forgive.
But then the other day, I got a message from Sunshine. She asked if I had seen pictures of her new baby yet.
What???
What a strange question, after so many months of no communication. Was she testing me to find out if I did unfriend her? I couldn't believe that with the 100+ Facebook friends that she had, that she would notice that I was missing. The only thing I could think of was that she tried to look me up on her timeline and wasn't able to pull up my name. Ha! Hurts, doesn't it?
(Yeah, still working on that forgiveness thing.)
I hardly knew what to say or do. I could just ignore the message and just go on with life, but I have this thing about not answering emails or messages. I answer every one. I just have to. It bugs me if I don't, because I know how I feel when people don't answer my messages.
So I did answer, honestly. I told her I didn't, but congratulations on her new baby. Hope she was doing well.
A day later, I got a friend invite from her.
For real???
I didn't want to be friends with her anymore--not even a superficial facebook friendship. If that was all she could offer, then I didn't want it.
I wanted to be real friends with her, like we used to be. I wanted to meet her baby and hold her. I wanted to find out how much she weighed, how did the pregnancy go, how did her big brother like his new sister?
I wanted to hear how Sunshine was doing after almost a year and a half of not talking. I wanted to go out to eat, like we used to. Or go see a chic-flick. I go to those with Dennis, and it's just not the same.
I did not want to feel hurt again with this restriction she had put me on. I did not want to her acquaintance. I wanted to be her friend.
But before I unfriended her on Facebook, I promised God something. I told Him that if Sunshine ever reached out to me in any way, that I would take that as a sign to continue our friendship. I wanted Sunshine to know God, to believe in Him, to accept Him. We had a few conversations about Him in the past and she said some things that made me wonder if she was thinking a little deeper. Considering that perhaps He could be real...
I'm not sure if this is truly a "sign" or not. I do know that this is the first time she has reached out to me in months and months. It is not much, but perhaps, it's a start.
I took one last day of peace and no hurt before I accepted her friend request. Then I went to her timeline and "liked" her pictures of her new beautiful baby, Charlie (short for Charlotte.) Truly a cute baby, with so much hair.
And I saw all the posts from friends, all the "last night was a blast!" comments and the pictures of get-togethers. All that hurt came back.
I have put her down as "acquaintance" but honestly, I don't want to see her posts at all. It's hard to let her back in my life, even as a facebook friend.
But God asks us to love everybody. Especially those who hurt us. I hang onto these words; they are the only words that give me courage to let people back in, to accept them once more, to forgive. It is hard. More than that. It's a sacrifice of self.
But this world dark with selfishness. Of those who consider their own needs before others. And we are starving each other with lack of love. God calls us to keep loving, even though it hurts. Mother Theresa says to "love until it hurts". Love hurts. It's a self-sacrifice.
I considered not accepting Sunshine's friend request. It means that I'm accepting our friendship on her terms, not mine. I can see her life on the computer, just not be a part of it. That is a tough deal for my ego to take.
But I don't want to be like the world and be consumed with my own needs. Perhaps, Sunshine does need my friendship--even though it's on conditional terms. Perhaps she wants to see my posts; see those Christian memes. Maybe she is curious about the prolife movement and what it means. Maybe this is the only way she can learn and still feel safe.
So we're friends again. Facebook friends. But to me, she will always be very close to my heart. It is what love does.
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