What is "good"?

Today I had well meaning friend tell me that I shouldn't be so busy...that I should be making more time for prayer...

I have not been able to go to the prayer group which I had originally started, because no one wanted to come on Sundays. Too much work, is basically what I heard.

So it was moved to Fridays by someone else. It is a better place to meet--right in the church in front of the Blessed Sacrament. And yet, I can't go most of the time. Because it is during the week, and every single day is filled during the week. That's why I wanted Sundays. It's already a day of prayer, a day meant to be set aside for rest and relaxation. You aren't supposed to be working on Sundays.

I had mentioned this fact to someone who told me then said that we should pray more....we shouldn't be so busy. The Blessed Mother (per Medugorje message) has said so.

I don't disagree. Perhaps it struck a nerve because every day, I go to bed thinking to myself, "I need to make more time for prayer." I do try. It is difficult and I need to work on it, but I try. Some days more than others, but I do try.

Anyway, what is a "good" person? This is the thought that came to myself today. When we secretly admonish others whether it be through our thoughts or in our words? When we allow our own judgments of what "being good" means interferes into someone else's life?

We all have our own ideas of what being good means to us. For myself, it means not being judgmental, for working on yourself more than working on others. Making time for God but more than anything, loving Him as much as you can with the time that you have in your day.

Let's face it. This world is overrun by expectations and deadlines. People expect so much from one another. If it's not from the workplace, it is from the home. Look at Pintrest and the desire to be neat and pretty all the time. To be organized. Look at each other--the people who put on a happy face with their happy family and their neat and tidy house. Look at the people going to church; those who praye and look respectfully somber. Is that good?

I don't know. I find there is good in all those things. But I don't think that's what makes a person "good."

That's why I find the answer to what "good" means in this quote from the Bible: "Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good--except God alone." Mark 10:18

I read that quote and a weight is lifted. Because, although I would like to organized, I am not. (By "organized, I don't mean alphabetizing your spice rack or color coordinating your clothes. I am talking about getting simple jobs around the house, knowing what to do with access clutter instead of piling up on the couch or kitchen counters..)  And my house is rarely neat and tidy. If I am going to be truly honest, it is not because I have five kids. It's because I hate cleaning.

And I do pray. I pray in little moments of the day. I pray in moments when I feel myself losing strength to be patient--or pray when I realized that I have already lost strength and yelled at someone.

We are a happy family--most of the itme. But we bicker and fight. My kids don't know as much as they should of their Catechism, but we are learning, if only slowly. Me and Dennis are not good at being calm and we need to be so our kids will learn to be calm. We are working on it but it's a work in progress. In the meantime, my kids are spazzes and dramatic--just like me.

So what is good? I don't believe too many in this world are truly "good." Those who have achieved such goodness are living saints--and they are good only because they have surrendered all their attachments that hold them back and let God make them good.

In the meantime, we have no right to judge one another. No right to look down on our noses at one another when someone does one thing and we do it another way. Or when we do something "good" (daily Mass for instance) but the other maybe hasn't gotten to that place in their life when they are able to achieve that good.

Life is not a contest. We all will be judged on our vanity. And funny enough, God will point out much of our vanity was not about possessions as much as it was in our judgment of what we consider to be "good."

The clean white shirt

Lately, I have been working on my patience and my temper (those two seem to go together. Once I run out of patience, my temper usually blows.) I am working on my tone of voice and how I speak to others. It's a work in progress but I have been working.

And then there was the white shirt incident today and I reverted back to my old ways. It might have started with the thought of how nice and white I managed to keep Max's school shirt for so long. I felt happy and proud that we made a whole two weeks and it was still gleaming white. He was wearing it for church today and usually I have him change into something else later on, but today, I thought to myself that I would trust that he would keep it clean.

Then he came in from outside with it streaked with dirt and mud--the whole thing. I tried my quiet voice first: "What happened??"  Max began to deny that he got his shirt dirty or was rolling around on the ground, and the more he denied it, the angrier I got. Finally, I threw caution to the wind and yelled about all the dirt, the leaves, and why was he denying it when he so obviously was rolling on the ground?? Why would he do that??

I threw the shirt in the wash machine and stomped upstairs, slamming the door. I was so angry that the shirt was ruined. It was not gleaming white anymore. So angry.

I finally began to pray for help, and eventually, I calmed down. But why was I so upset over a white shirt? I lose my temper quite often, my voice becoming screechy and my words cutting. It is not how I want to be for my kids, not the example I want to show. I am all too aware of the way they speak to each other is because it's how I speak to them. If only I didn't lose my temper so quickly, lose my patience so fast.

So I had to ask myself the question: Why was it so important to me that shirt stay clean?

At first the obvious answers came:

Because we don't want the kids to look messy, do we?

 

Because it is the school policy.

 

Because they should know by now that we don't roll around dirt in our school uniform!

 

 

But then the answers became more honest:

 

Because we only have two white shirts and one of them is already as clean as I can get them.

 

Because we can't afford to get any more (at this time) and everyone will figure out that we are "poor."

 

Because everyone will see that I'm not good at laundry.

 

Because everyone will think I'm not good at housekeeping.

 

 

I know that some of these reasons are based on pride, they all need some work. But it's all true. There is something good and refreshing in honesty.

 

 

I am still angry about the white shirt. It's in the wash machine right now, and I'm hoping the dirt streaks will come out completely. I am still embarrassed that half the time, my kids go to school with holes in their pants (in the knees) and I can't keep up with buying them new pants all the time, so they go to school looking messy. I still care what others think.

 

 

But it's good to know there are reasons that go deeper than wanting a clean white shirt to stay clean. Good to know that there are reasons behind the anger (usually insecurity.) Don't feel much better about myself but a lot more human.

 

And there is something very humbling about being human and knowing it.

A week or so later...

Well, I had said that I was going to stay off of Facebook for at least a week and it's now over a week. I don't miss it a bit. Well, maybe a tiny bit. But not like before.

The sadness, the hurt, the loneliness is gone. I don't know if these feelings came from Facebook alone, but I think the fact that "no one was there" when "everyone was there" brought these negative feelings to the surface.

The first few days or so were pretty tough. It was almost like a cleansing, or even a detox of getting rid of something that I depended so highly on. But even going through the pain of detachment, I knew that something inside of me was starting to heal.

I know I can't blame Facebook alone for my insecurities--and I can't blame people either. True, "people" tend to be self-centered and focused on their own life, they tend to choose themselves before they think of others. It's true of myself as well. But never would I want to become so bitter that I would blame everyone for my feelings. I know that the biggest reason for feeling as I did was my dependency on others to build me up, lift me up, hear me out, console me. It's not realistic or healthy. It's not balanced.

Once the sadness and loneliness began to lift up, I began to feel so much better about myself. I felt stronger, more secure. I don't need people to help me feel good about myself. My life feels like my own again--not something I have to share so intimately and put my trust in others that they will be as astounded by my life as I am--and disappointed that they're not.

Even in this short week, my faith in God has been strengthened, as He is the only one left--has always been the Only One. It's sad how we clutter up our lives so much that we can no longer see Him.

My focus has changed a bit too. I want a clean house. Not for self-gratification (I personally hate cleaning), but I've found how much better I do in a clean house. Things are more organized; things go more smoothly. Dennis too, is in a better mood in a clean house. He hates disorder. But it's a work in progress. It takes a lot of self-discipline ("I will take a break after I get the dishes done" and "I'll finish this job before I do that one.") and commitment from myself. I'm so easily distracted while I'm working that one job gets started but never finished which also wastes a lot of time and energy.

Every time I find myself bored, wanting to surf the Internet or go on Facebook (I have a few times, I Am pleased to say that I am bored with it. And I never posted anything.) I study instead. I have sored in my studies--almost done with my second phase already! I will be training before I know it!

So life without Facebook is going well. It is easier. More orderly. Simpler. Less drama, less stress. And even though my social circle has gotten considerably smaller, somehow, I'm not lonely at all.

God cares!

Yesterday Henry hurt his finger and we couldn't tell if it was jammed or broken. (We never did find out but I am pretty sure it is fractured as it is for sure not broken but probably not jammed either. Based on how he injured it (he whacked it knuckle down against the railing really hard) it sounds like he fractured it.) I wanted to bring him into the Urgent Care because it was causing him a lot of pain but Dennis wanted to wait a little and see what happened. (Hard for a mom to do!)

So I agreed to wait but in the meantime, I thought I should see if anyone could come babysit in case I did have to bring him into Urgent Care in the morning. So I called my mom and explained what happened and she said, "Can you talk to my friend about this? She's a pediatrician!"

What are the odds of something like that happening? Only God could have planned that out.

She saved us a trip to the Urgent Care and told me to body tape Henry's two fingers together for now because that's pretty much all they would do for him, even if it was a fracture. So the next morning, we headed out to the pharmacy to pick up body tape and I taped his fingers together which Henry proudly showed off.

He is already doing so much better; I'm glad that we didn't bring him in more for Dennis's sake than anyone's. He just paid a very big bill of $1,100 for his brake lines in his truck and I know the thought of medical bills and X-rays was stressing him out. I must admit that I didn't think to pray about my situation and didn't really think too much about the money aspect. As a mom, my only concerns were for Henry and his comfort.

But see how God intervenes, even when we don't ask Him too. He was aware of the situation and cared both for Henry and for Dennis (and all of us.) He provided the best solution by prompting me to call my mom at the same moment she just happened to have a pediatrician in the car. And even though I was suffering more from "Nervous Mom Jitters" more than Henry was from his finger (he was sleeping when I called), I took the doctors advice and it seems she has saved us hundreds, if not thousands of dollars for an Urgent Care visit and an X-ray.

God is good, and He cares.

Give up all and follow Him: Day 6

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." Matthew 19:21

A message for me early this morning as the struggle has already started. A reminder that this goes much deeper than Facebook. My "possessions" being my pride, my status, my reputation. Friendships, comforts and consolations from others. A desire to be heard, to be esteemed. A desire for importance in the eyes of others.

This is what I Strive to give up and why it hurts so much. It is a complete stripping of self.

I'm reminded that this is what I wanted in the first place, to be a true follower of Jesus. But I had forgotten that one must give up all to follow Him. I also didn't realize I carried so much with me.

Day 5

A better day today.

Last night--not so much. I sort of hit my limit and messaged a friend on Facebook (I activated my account only for this message and then got off right away) an angry message. I didn't intend for it to be angry. I only wanted to let her know that I was done with Facebook for a while and since that was the only way she kept in touch with me, that I wouldn't be around anymore.

Then the anger came and the next thing I know, I'm typing out angry words that we could have been friends, I had tried to reach out to her, but she wasn't interested in a friendship. Now I am embarrassed.

But there is truth to my words too. That is the hardest part--it is all true. It's not made up, it's not exaggerated, it's not imagined. Every person on Facebook barely acknowledges me both on Facebook and in real life.. No reaching out, no response to me when I try to reach out...it is always silence and I have no idea why.

So the anger got the best of me last night. It was somewhat of a relief to let someone know how bad I'm hurting but I am not letting myself see if she responded. If I know her (and I do--or at least used to), she won't take kindly to my anger and will only lash out back. She most likely will wonder where it all came from.


That was yesterday, but today I decided I must choose God all or nothing in this. Bitterness is a battle I can't fight on my own. There is no one to cheer me on through it, no one that would understand it. It's just me and God in this.

I prayed the rosary and had a real "heart to heart" with Mary, my Mother. I went to her as her child that is angry, belligerent, "acting out". The one that is put in "time out" because she is so out of sorts. The one who is a brat. That was me this morning asking her to help me anyway, despite what I am.

What would I do without God's mercy? It's in these moments when I see how much He loves me. He overlooks angry words and sees what is at the heart of it. He puts out his hands to bring forth healing if you stay around long enough for it.

I need help with my anger, my bitterness, my loneliness and hurt. Even though this has been so hard lately, I Feel like God is bringing me through something difficult and impossible, to make me stronger and hopefully, holy.

I hope there will be a day when I can love freely without counting all the hurts.

Day 4

I won't lie, loneliness is setting in again. Sometimes the temptation to try to "connect" is great. But a reminder that no one is there, no one cares, usually talks me out of it.

Oh I hate sounding so pathetic. I hate sounding so weak. What forty-something woman talks like this?? ?It's like a part of me is still stuck in junior high.

But today I realized something. Dennis was in a bad mood today and it really bothered me. He was pretty cranky and took it out on me and the kids. Nothing horrible. I'm just not used to seeing him like that.

It was hard for me to be ok with that. I'm not used to Dennis being the moody one. For those short hours, it felt like he didn't like me. And it really hurt.

That's when it hit me how much I rely on others to feel good about myself. It's no wonder I fall into depression so often and easily. I build my house on sand, on people who are not much more secure than I am--who are hurting too.

That's another reason why I have to stay off of Facebook. (And possibly the most important reason of all.) It literally is all about attention-seeking for me. It's unhealthy and imbalanced. No wonder I have felt so unfulfilled.

And so that's how Day 4 went today. Sort of a hard and lonely day, but understanding myself a little bit better.

Day 3

I went on Facebook briefly today to let people know that I would be deactivating my account. I began to think of people that might look me up and not find me because my account was deactivated and therefore think I unfriended them. Well, I didn't want any misunderstandings like that, so I wanted everyone to know that I was deactivating for a while. I came to check on my post hours later and not one person acknowledged my post.

It hurt a little but I reminded myself this is why I'm not using Facebook anymore. Knowing that no one really seemed to notice my post or care (not sure which, maybe both) made it much easier to sign off and leave a place where only hurt seems to happen.

Day 2...

Day 2 of no Facebook and guess what, I am surviving. Isn't this the way we're supposed to live--without being connected to a computer?

I have to admit that it's difficult to know what to do with the "extra" time. I also find it amusing that we tend to complain that we have no time for prayer and yet don't know what to do with ourselves when we're off of Facebook!

I admit that I miss "checking in" to see what's going on with everyone else. Missing not uploading pictures and bringing in my thoughts or opinions...that no one really paid attention to anyway. I have that "pull" to want to get back on Facebook even though there is no reward in it.


But every time I have the temptation to log on, I try to remember how I've been feeling these past two days...happier. More at peace.

And oddly enough, not as lonely. Peace with myself, that I'm not inwardly wrestling with hurt or anger that I seem to go unnoticed or ignored.

God doesn't want me hunting for love on Facebook. He wants me to go back to the beginning, where everything I knew started only with Him.

Day 1 of no Facebook

I decided I'm going to try to stay off of Facebook for at least a week to see how I feel.

Today is Day 1 and not hard at all. I think it might be harder as time goes by. But I'm focusing on what I'm feeling right now and why do I feel this way. Why is it that I feel better today, not so sad?
I know that Facebook was feeding my weaknesses and insecurities, making me feel the "need" to stay connected for fear of being totally forgotten.

But for today I feel good not worrying about it. I know tomorrow will be harder.

Last night I prayed that I won't depend on people anymore. I will have to pray this way every day, because it's a terrible habit of mine.

Before Facebook, we were all pretty happy with the way things were. Probably even more than we are now. I don't know if it's possible to go back in time and try to make things the way it used to be, but I'm going to try.