Thoughts about Scuicide

Out of all the ways to die, suicide is the worst way to go--at least in my opinion.

I'm surprised that more people to mention that. You hear a lot about cancer being the worst way to go, but never suicide. Or at least, it doesn't get as much recognition as it should.

I learned a few months ago that Saywer Sweeten--the little boy who played on the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond, committed suicide back last April. Of course, that was very jarring, because you see this person as a cute little kid, full of innocence. And the last time you see him is when he's about nine years old. Then the show ends and you assume he will grow up and continue acting or do something else. But you don't assume that he will kill himself because of financial problems, drugs and bullying.

I've been hearing so much about suicide lately. A TV weather man recently killed himself by running his car into a store on purpose. What is going on with people lately?

A woman who lost her 13 year old son to suicide has a FB page called Kindness Matters. She's dedicated herself to spreading the awareness of kindness. Her son killed himself because he was bullied at school for the way he looked.

What is the worst way to die? Alone.

That is what suicide is. It is the overwhelming feeling of being totally abandoned and alone. I am sure that Jesus's suffering in Gethenemane (sp?)was for those especially who felt this way and would die because of it.

I have a real special place for those who feel lonely, afraid and hopeless. Those are the people to love. Those are the people to reach out to.

Those people who are jerks--love them. Those people who are arrogant--love them. Those people who don't talk to you, keep to themselves--love them. Those people who are mean to you, jealous of you--love them. Because they don't love themselves. And one day, they may die because no one loved them back.

Do they deserve your love? Probably not. But we gotta love them anyway. We are starving of lack of love.

I pray for suicidal people almost every day. They have a special place in my heart. I don't know anyone who is suicidal personally--most people keep it a secret until they decide to go through with it. Then they tell someone as a last ditch effort to see if anyone cares enough to take them seriously.

I want them to know someone out there cares for them. They don't know me and I don't know them, but I love them. I want them to live. I don't want any more people dying from lack of love.

Reduced to a Facebook Friendship

Before Jesus left the earth, He gave us two commandments: Love God and love thy neighbor.

It's easy to love God. He's nice. But to love our neighbor? That is a harder thing. Perhaps, the hardest thing we'll ever be called to do.

I might as well say that I am back on Facebook. (Do I need the change the name of this blog??) I was lonely. Unless you're a person with an active social life (key word: active), it's difficult to stay in touch with people. They're all on the Internet.

I had a friend who lives maybe 15 miles away from me. We had been friends for over ten years. She was an atheist and knew that I was a crazy Catholic that lived my faith, but she seemed ok with that.

She became pregnant and found out that her baby had Downs Syndrome. She wasn't sure she was cut out to be a parent of a special needs child and was seriously considering giving him up. While I wanted to support her in any way that I could, I also wanted her to know that I felt she also be this child's mother. There is no other special pre-requisite for taking care of special needs other than love. I know, I have a son with autism.

Anyway, she kept the baby. I was thrilled for her and visited them in the hospital. After that, I never saw them again.  It seemed she was overwhelmed and busy with motherhood, although she seemed to love it too. Being a mom myself, I understood and tried to be patient in not seeing my friend for many months. But then I noticed on Facebook that she was going out with some other friends, so I decided to see if she wanted to get together.

Long story short, that didn't happen. Nor did it happen the next time I suggested going out. It kept happening, month after month. She claimed she was too busy, too tired, and yet the posts on Facebook of dinner dates with friends or going to the latest movie kept piling up. It was getting harder and harder not taking it personally.

I finally confronted her on it. We got in a fight, and never recovered. I tried inviting her to my husband's surprise birthday party six months later, and she accepted but then pulled out last minute, saying she had other plans. I hadn't seen her for over a year.

I learned through my husband of all people, that she was expecting her second baby. Though I was happy for her, I was also hurt. She hadn't even tried to reach out to tell me. I congratulated her through messaging on her latest pregnancy but did not suggest getting together. She replied that she was due in December but that was about it. No greeting or asking how I've been or anything.

Then I noticed that I was seeing her posts less and less. That was fine with me, because seeing the continual posts from her other friends on their latest get-togethers only brought back the hurt. Me and Sunshine weren't friends anymore, and I had no idea why or what I did to lose her friendship.

When December came around, I checked her timeline to see if she had her baby yet. Strangely enough, I couldn't pull up her name. Now we weren't even friends on Facebook? I had been reduced to a Facebook friendship, nothing more, and now I didn't even have that connection with her. I finally messaged her and just asked if had her baby yet--and if she unfriended me? I tried to not sound too confrontational, but I didn't know how else to pose the question. Oddly enough, she messaged me back and here was her ironic response:

"I would never do that."

I couldn't believe the hypocrisy in this sentence. She would never unfriend me on Facebook, and yet that was exactly what she did in real life--with no explanation or anything. This hurt more than anything she had done throughout the months.

Oddly enough, after this, I was able to pull up her name with no problem. She must have blocked me from seeing her posts, even though I had never commented on them in the past.

I prayed about it, stewed about it, and prayed some more. Then, I did what I felt justified to do: I unfriended her on Facebook.

Instant relief.

I thought I would have felt sadness, pain, guilt or something, but I only felt relief. My so-called friendship with Sunshine was like a rotten tooth that served no purpose and only caused me pain. The minute I had this friendship removed, I felt at peace again. Like I was thinking of myself for once, and not chasing after someone who obviously didn't want to be my friend.

I did not just unfriend Sunshine, but a bunch of people who I didn't even know, who didn't know me or care to get to know me. I unfriended others who had become so busy with their friends that they didn't bother to "like" or comment on my posts. Yes, I realize that sounds very childish, but seeing that that is only our two ways of knowing if someone wants to be your friend or is interested in your life, it is all I have to go by.

I wanted to create a friend list that was filled only with "real friends"; people who I could trust and felt comfortable allowing them to see the personal antidotes of my life. And so, my list got very small, but at least it was filled with real genuine people.

I enjoyed weeks of peace, no more sadness because of hurt friendships. I was even able to start praying for Sunshine again, praying for healing and forgiveness. I didn't want to be bitter or hate her. I never felt that I did hate her, but I also knew that anger can lead to hate if you don't try to forgive.

But then the other day, I got a message from Sunshine. She asked if I had seen pictures of her new baby yet.

What???

What a strange question, after so many months of no communication. Was she testing me to find out if I did unfriend her? I couldn't believe that with the 100+ Facebook friends that she had, that she would notice that I was missing. The only thing I could think of was that she tried to look me up on her timeline and wasn't able to pull up my name. Ha! Hurts, doesn't it?

(Yeah, still working on that forgiveness thing.)

I hardly knew what to say or do. I could just ignore the message and just go on with life, but I have this thing about not answering emails or messages. I answer every one. I just have to. It bugs me if I don't, because I know how I feel when people don't answer my messages.

So I did answer, honestly. I told her I didn't, but congratulations on her new baby. Hope she was doing well.

A day later, I got a friend invite from her.

For real???

I didn't want to be friends with her anymore--not even a superficial facebook friendship. If that was all she could offer, then I didn't want it.

I wanted to be real friends with her, like we used to be. I wanted to meet her baby and hold her. I wanted to find out how much she weighed, how did the pregnancy go, how did her big brother like his new sister?

I wanted to hear how Sunshine was doing after almost a year and a half of not talking. I wanted to go out to eat, like we used to. Or go see a chic-flick. I go to those with Dennis, and it's just not the same.

I did not want to feel hurt again with this restriction she had put me on. I did not want to her acquaintance. I wanted to be her friend.

But before I unfriended her on Facebook, I promised God something. I told Him that if Sunshine ever reached out to me in any way, that I would take that as a sign to continue our friendship. I wanted Sunshine to know God, to believe in Him, to accept Him. We had a few conversations about Him in the past and she said some things that made me wonder if she was thinking a little deeper. Considering that perhaps He could be real...

I'm not sure if this is truly a "sign" or not. I do know that this is the first time she has reached out to me in months and months. It is not much, but perhaps, it's a start.

I took one last day of peace and no hurt before I accepted her friend request. Then I went to her timeline and "liked" her pictures of her new beautiful baby, Charlie (short for Charlotte.) Truly a cute baby, with so much hair.

And I saw all the posts from friends, all the "last night was a blast!" comments and the pictures of get-togethers. All that hurt came back.

I have put her down as "acquaintance" but honestly, I don't want to see her posts at all. It's hard to let her back in my life, even as a facebook friend.

But God asks us to love everybody. Especially those who hurt us. I hang onto these words; they are the only words that give me courage to let people back in, to accept them once more, to forgive. It is hard. More than that. It's a sacrifice of self.

But this world dark with selfishness. Of those who consider their own needs before others. And we are starving each other with lack of love. God calls us to keep loving, even though it hurts. Mother Theresa says to "love until it hurts". Love hurts. It's a self-sacrifice.

I considered not accepting Sunshine's friend request. It means that I'm accepting our friendship on her terms, not mine. I can see her life on the computer, just not be a part of it. That is a tough deal for my ego to take.

But I don't want to be like the world and be consumed with my own needs. Perhaps, Sunshine does need my friendship--even though it's on conditional terms. Perhaps she wants to see my posts; see those Christian memes. Maybe she is curious about the prolife movement and what it means. Maybe this is the only way she can learn and still feel safe.

So we're friends again. Facebook friends. But to me, she will always be very close to my heart. It is what love does.