This morning, I woke up to the usual chaos. Fridays Dennis works and so it's just me trying to get kids off to school. I get woken up by Anna bringing my phone into my room, which is ringing loudly from the alarm.
Still trying to wake up, I get up and find Lucy moaning on the living room floor, clutching her stomach. I know without even asking that she has the flu. Henry had it earlier this week and Luke came down with it yesterday.
I go downstairs to find Max watching cartoons instead of getting ready for school. I remind him rather testily that his bus comes very early, and he has twenty minutes to get dressed and eat breakfast. Why is he watching cartoons and why isn't he dressed???
I go back upstairs to make cereal, trying to figure out in my still foggy head how many kids will actually be eating. Anna and Max for sure, I tell myself.
Then Max comes upstairs complaining he can't find his College t-shirt. He needs it to go on a field trip today. If he shows up without it, he gets left behind to work on school work in the Star Room. (The "Star Room" is the "everything room", used as a study hall, a baby-sitting room and detention all in one.) So we look all over the bedroom, through the laundry and under beds for his t-shirt and my patience is running out.
"Why didn't you have this ready last night like I told you?" I asked him, annoyed.
"Because I was in trouble for being sassy and you sent me to my room!" he reminded me. That's right. Last night was a terrible night of more "behavior." Well, he could've been looking for his t-shirt while he was in his room.
I have him go eat his breakfast while I continue to look for his t-shirt. The longer I frantically search, the more stressed I become. The more stressed I become, the more I begin to sweat. My patience is totally gone now, and I'm shouting at Max to hurry up, look for his t-shirt.
We look all over the place, tearing up the house. Max's bus comes and goes. We search on. I call up Dennis upset, asking if he had seen the t-shirt anywhere. He said he had not.
Then I got upset with Dennis. I had two dr appointments for two of the kids that morning--Anna and Luke. Luke, for a med check (he needs a dosage increase) and Anna for strange re-appearing rash on her face. Dennis had made these appointments himself, back to back. I didn't mind at the time but that was before I realized that Lucy was going to be home sick, and now it looked like Max would have to stay home too since we couldn't find his t-shirt. Thanks to all of this, I had to bring five kids with me to the doctor's or else just cancel the appointments which I really didn't want to do because Anna really needed that rash checked and Luke really needed that dosage increase to help control his ADHD impulses.
There isn't much Dennis can do. Still upset and overwhelmed, I hang up.
We continue to search for the t-shirt and Max is getting increasingly upset. He had been looking forward to this field trip and even though I was annoyed with him, I didn't want him to miss it. And the more upset he gets, the more "autistic" he becomes.
I think to myself that I can't handle an autistic fit right now. I just went through that with him yesterday and was still recovering. Nothing is working out this morning.
Then for some reason, I realize I haven't seen the dog in a while. I go to look for him, because if he disappears, it's usually because he's hiding, chewing on something he shouldn't be chewing on.
I find him curled up on the vent in my room--a place he goes to when he feeling stressed. I know he's feeding off of my stress (he's a super sensitive dog) so immediately I feel bad. I coax him out of the corner and reassure him that everything is ok.
At that moment, Lucy comes out from hiding (also fearing my stress) and says out of the blue, "when I grow up I'm only going to have two kids. That way I know I can handle it."
I know she didn't mean anything by it, but her words worried me. I knew she looked to me as an example of what motherhood is and I had been a bad example. I wished I could take back my angry words, my frantic and exasperated attitude. All the things I had been mumbling under my breath about kids in general, she had heard. I feel terrible.
I told her, "Lucy, don't limit yourself according to my own limitations. The truth is, I don't handle stress well at all and that has nothing to do with you guys. God could have just given me one kid and I still would get stressed. I just have to work on that. But be open to God's plan and let Him give you the children He knows you can handle. You might be surprised at what you can do."
And at the end of my speech, the dog threw up. Right there beside me. Before I can even react, he goes to me to look for comfort and throws up again.
Really???
I look at Lucy and say, "You see? And that has nothing to do with kids at all. Chaos just happens and we got to trust God with it."
I brought the dog outside and asked the kids to come and pray with me. We pray to St.Anthony to find the college t-shirt so he can go on his field trip. We pray to God to ask everyone to feel better again. Then we pray three Hail Marys.
Dennis ended up coming home and finding the t-shirt in Max's drawer--the same drawer that I had looked in and Max had looked in. Dennis was not happy and he and Max got in a fight. The stress continued.
I intervened and explained to Dennis that it had been a tough morning. We apologize and thank him for coming out to help and I tell him he can go back to work. I will figure out how to get everyone to the drs somehow.
Dennis opts to stay home; he's not feeling well either. He will drive Max to school an stay home with the sick kids while I go to the drs with Anna and Luke.
It's been a tough morning but an enlightening one too. I am remembering that little eyes are watching me, learning from me how to handle stress. Taking it all in and coming to their own conclusions of what stresses me out and how it can be handled for the future.
You never know, perhaps all those women today who limit themselves to one or two children had a stressed out and complaining mother who said she couldn't do it anymore "with all these kids". I am reminded once again how it's important to keep a calm and cool head. To let things go. To cut out appointments if we have to. To let others down in order to be a better parent to our kids.
Little eyes are watching us, taking in our every move. Little ears are listening, taking in every word and every complaint. And little minds are always thinking; always coming to conclusions of their own--whether they are the right conclusions or not.
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