Suffering

I had thought I was suffering before, but I had no idea what I was in for next.

I wrote an article--which I had naively thought would be received on a neutral basis on how I did not let my son receive Communion one time.

This was an outrage to so many, and without giving me a chance or fully reading the article, the yelled at me (through the comments) on how very wrong I was.

I can't really explain what this has done to me. Without being dramatic, I can say that, other than my heart attack, I have never suffered more in my life than I have these past few days.

To be judged so harshly without knowing the situation, and then to be told your worst fears--that you are not a good mother. And that you showed a lack of love toward your child. Not one person, but many.

They all have stones in their hands, every one of them.

I have avoided all media but after a while, these comments began to leak into my email. I told my brother to pull the article.

To make things worse, he doesn't want me to write for him anymore. He did not officially "fire" me; I had told him that I couldn't do this anymore, and he and my other brother told me not to give up. But when I reconsidered, it seemed that my brother had been thinking as well; he felt it best for me to "lay low" and when and if  did write for him again, to go under a pseudonym. I don't really want to do that. If I write, I want to write as myself, not someone else. It feels like I am a criminal or something.

There is no where that I feel free to go anymore. I have no more friends. I do not have Sunshine and I do not have Kate. I no longer have Facebook friends since I can't go on (at least until it calms down.)

I thought to myself yesterday, "Now I know how drug addicts feel. And porn addicts. And alcoholics. And child molesters. All those people who have done horrible things and are judged and never given another chance. " I can honestly say, I know how they feel.

Whether it is over something truly criminal or something like a personal decision, people can be so cruel. They have the power with words to hurt you and then isolate you.

I also have to say that I totally understand why so many people can't see the sincerity in Christians.

These "Christian" mothers who all yelled at me and just kept going, and going and going, throwing stones...and when they saw that already I was hurt, they threw another one. All for "Standing up for Jesus", they say. All for "doing what is right."

That is what is right?

That's Christian love? And they wonder why they can't get any converts???

Today, when I sneaked on Facebook to see if things had calmed down, I saw a FB Friend of mine say that she had "amazingly got a pro-choice friend to admit she was wrong through a debate."  While everyone praised this woman for her wise and wonderful words, I dared to type: "That was extremely courageous of that woman. I hope everyone gave her props for that." And then I quickly got off before I was rebuked.

Suffering.

I was under so much heartache yesterday that I experienced what grieving people say they experience, which is physical pain. I had always wondered how that was possible, how could someone who is suffering heartache have a physical feeling with it?

But strangely enough, it does happen. I had both emotional and physical heartache yesterday and the day before. For two days, the pain never left me. I ended up feeling feverish and achy.

On top of that, no one called me. Not one person tried to reach out to me. I truly felt so alone.

I ended up praying to God, "Lord, no wonder so many people kill themselves. No wonder. If this is love, if this is how we treat one another, no wonder."

Why do we do this to one another? Why are we so hard on one another? If someone falls down, why don't we lift them up, instead of explaining why they fell?

It is God's job to throw down the arrogant and our job to pick them back up again. That is it and that is all. Why do we feel we have to do more?

I had thought to myself, rather ruefully, "Oh well, at least all these people who cause me suffering will bring me to heaven!"

Immediately, the next thought flashed through my mind: "No. First you need to learn to love the people who cause you to suffer--then you will go to heaven."

Suffering.

I feel like today finally, I have come out of the peak of the suffering. That is not to say that heartache is not still there. I am still alone. I still won't go on Facebook. I no longer have a job or purpose. I am simply housewife and mother. I still need to work through the sadness.

But today I realized something. It's ok for me to suffer once in a while. We all have to go through periods of darkness, just like God gives us periods of sunshine. As hard as it is, we need the suffering to cling to God. That is our special time with Jesus.

Despite this terrible pain, the horrible thoughts, and all that comes with suffering, I have felt alone in human terms but never alone spiritually. It was as though He was following me through my day. Every time I cried, He was there, soothing me.

That's why I realized today that suffering is very necessary. It is hard and difficult but it is the only time I feel "holy." I feel holy because I am next to Holiness, and Holiness is bringing through it, and teaching me to suffer, and helping to pray for my persecutors. I couldn't do that on my own.

Jesus suffered, so we can't escape it. We all have to go through it at some point in our lives or many times. But it will make us holy.

Today I have the happy thought that my suffering will raise me up to sit closer to Him in heaven.