The clean white shirt

Lately, I have been working on my patience and my temper (those two seem to go together. Once I run out of patience, my temper usually blows.) I am working on my tone of voice and how I speak to others. It's a work in progress but I have been working.

And then there was the white shirt incident today and I reverted back to my old ways. It might have started with the thought of how nice and white I managed to keep Max's school shirt for so long. I felt happy and proud that we made a whole two weeks and it was still gleaming white. He was wearing it for church today and usually I have him change into something else later on, but today, I thought to myself that I would trust that he would keep it clean.

Then he came in from outside with it streaked with dirt and mud--the whole thing. I tried my quiet voice first: "What happened??"  Max began to deny that he got his shirt dirty or was rolling around on the ground, and the more he denied it, the angrier I got. Finally, I threw caution to the wind and yelled about all the dirt, the leaves, and why was he denying it when he so obviously was rolling on the ground?? Why would he do that??

I threw the shirt in the wash machine and stomped upstairs, slamming the door. I was so angry that the shirt was ruined. It was not gleaming white anymore. So angry.

I finally began to pray for help, and eventually, I calmed down. But why was I so upset over a white shirt? I lose my temper quite often, my voice becoming screechy and my words cutting. It is not how I want to be for my kids, not the example I want to show. I am all too aware of the way they speak to each other is because it's how I speak to them. If only I didn't lose my temper so quickly, lose my patience so fast.

So I had to ask myself the question: Why was it so important to me that shirt stay clean?

At first the obvious answers came:

Because we don't want the kids to look messy, do we?

 

Because it is the school policy.

 

Because they should know by now that we don't roll around dirt in our school uniform!

 

 

But then the answers became more honest:

 

Because we only have two white shirts and one of them is already as clean as I can get them.

 

Because we can't afford to get any more (at this time) and everyone will figure out that we are "poor."

 

Because everyone will see that I'm not good at laundry.

 

Because everyone will think I'm not good at housekeeping.

 

 

I know that some of these reasons are based on pride, they all need some work. But it's all true. There is something good and refreshing in honesty.

 

 

I am still angry about the white shirt. It's in the wash machine right now, and I'm hoping the dirt streaks will come out completely. I am still embarrassed that half the time, my kids go to school with holes in their pants (in the knees) and I can't keep up with buying them new pants all the time, so they go to school looking messy. I still care what others think.

 

 

But it's good to know there are reasons that go deeper than wanting a clean white shirt to stay clean. Good to know that there are reasons behind the anger (usually insecurity.) Don't feel much better about myself but a lot more human.

 

And there is something very humbling about being human and knowing it.