Day 5

A better day today.

Last night--not so much. I sort of hit my limit and messaged a friend on Facebook (I activated my account only for this message and then got off right away) an angry message. I didn't intend for it to be angry. I only wanted to let her know that I was done with Facebook for a while and since that was the only way she kept in touch with me, that I wouldn't be around anymore.

Then the anger came and the next thing I know, I'm typing out angry words that we could have been friends, I had tried to reach out to her, but she wasn't interested in a friendship. Now I am embarrassed.

But there is truth to my words too. That is the hardest part--it is all true. It's not made up, it's not exaggerated, it's not imagined. Every person on Facebook barely acknowledges me both on Facebook and in real life.. No reaching out, no response to me when I try to reach out...it is always silence and I have no idea why.

So the anger got the best of me last night. It was somewhat of a relief to let someone know how bad I'm hurting but I am not letting myself see if she responded. If I know her (and I do--or at least used to), she won't take kindly to my anger and will only lash out back. She most likely will wonder where it all came from.


That was yesterday, but today I decided I must choose God all or nothing in this. Bitterness is a battle I can't fight on my own. There is no one to cheer me on through it, no one that would understand it. It's just me and God in this.

I prayed the rosary and had a real "heart to heart" with Mary, my Mother. I went to her as her child that is angry, belligerent, "acting out". The one that is put in "time out" because she is so out of sorts. The one who is a brat. That was me this morning asking her to help me anyway, despite what I am.

What would I do without God's mercy? It's in these moments when I see how much He loves me. He overlooks angry words and sees what is at the heart of it. He puts out his hands to bring forth healing if you stay around long enough for it.

I need help with my anger, my bitterness, my loneliness and hurt. Even though this has been so hard lately, I Feel like God is bringing me through something difficult and impossible, to make me stronger and hopefully, holy.

I hope there will be a day when I can love freely without counting all the hurts.